The Year 2012

   Every year at Christmas on my family's side we write a letter about our year. This year my letter was very difficult to write. I knew that I couldn't ignore how our year went because it was such a huge part of our lives. Soooo..... I will share a little bit of what I shared in that letter.

    The first 6 months of 2012 started off exciting and happy and the last 6 months ended with grieving and pain. The first 6 months started off with planning for a baby, decorating the nursery, and getting ready to welcome our little girl into the world. We were so excited about having a baby and starting the next chapter of our lives. Little did we know what the next chapter would actually be...... On July 2 our world changed when we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat and on July 3 our worse nightmare became even more true when I delivered her. Tinlee entered the world quietly and entered the gates of Heaven laughing and having the time of her life. On July 6 we laid our little girls "shell" to rest. Those were the hardest days of our lives.
   I remember while laying in the hospital bed that I was determined that this would not be the end of my life. I told Cody that I did not want this to have a negative effect on our lives. God blessed Tinlee with us for only a short while, but her life was for a purpose. She was our daughter, granddaughter, niece, great granddaughter, cousin, and friend. I wanted this to bring us closer, make us stronger, and to make sure her life had meaning. I had no earthly idea how much her little life would impact other people. We have been so touched and shocked at the same time with how much support we have received through this journey and how big of a response we have gotten on everything we have done to honor Tinlee. We have received almost 300 pictures of how people wrote Tinlees name, 60 candles lit in memory of Tinlee on National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, over 250 ornaments for Tinlees Tree, almost $5000 raised for Tinlees Top for the playground at church, and enough money donated to Children's Hospital that Tinlee will get a plaque with her name on it in the foyer of the hospital. There is also a way to tell when someone from other countries have read my blog, plus I've received emails from people that I don't know from other countries that have read our story. This is so comforting to us just knowing that our story is being spread all over the world. We pray that many lives are touched and changed by our journey.
  We have realized that we werent the only ones grieving Tinlee, but so many close to us grieved her as well. We are so thankful for everyone that has helped us cope, sat with us, babysat me (haha), cried with us, prayed for us, sent us gifts and cards, and just simple hugged us. 
   We hope and pray that the year 2013 is a fresh start that is filled with many blessings. Tinlee will never ever be forgotten and I will never quit talking or writing about her. Tinlee has changed my life, changed my view on things, and taught me about what's important. Thank you for allowing me to open up and share my journey with you. I hope we have happy news in the future to share. We wish everyone a Happy Happy Happy New Year!!!!!

Emptiness During the Holidays

     Christmas for the Dreher family was busy for the most part. I've heard several times over the last several months that the holidays are the worse. So, I put in my head that I'm just going to keep moving forward and not dwell to much on what we were missing this year. WELL....... That didn't go quite as planned. I almost think I tried to hard not to think about it that all it did was upset me more.....I'm not sure what happened but from about 2 weeks before Christmas up until Christmas Day I was so emotional and down. I felt like I struggled with fighting depression more than ever.......I did not like the emptiness and darkness I was feeling inside. In one of my bible studies it talked about how God ministers to us the most thru suffering. That hit me hard!! It made me long for the day when the suffering stops and the pain goes away. The thing that gets me thru the struggles is hope....
    Cody and I kept busy in order to keep our mind on other things. Some days it worked and other days it didn't. Everyone has been so supportive of us through the holidays and we are so thankful for the prayers, the many many cards, email messages, and text messages. Little things like that help more than you know because it's just a reminder that people care and haven't forgotten about us. I know I wrote this on my Facebook but I got a message that said "Jesus came into this world as a baby to change THE world and Tinlee came as a baby and changed OUR world". That was touching to me to think about and so very true. Jesus came into the world so that He could die on a cross for our sins so that one day we could be saved and spend our eternal life in Heaven with Him. Tinlee came into the world to show me what love is, remind me that God is in control, and to show me the true meaning of hope. She has not only touched and changed my life, but she has touched and changed many lives all over the country.
   Christmas Eve and the couple of days before were very busy. Cody and I were running all over the place celebrating Christmas with families. Thanks to a friends idea, every place we went we took a candle to light in memory of her. I'm not sure everyone was comfortable with the candle, but it was something that brought us comfort and peace, so we did it anyway. Throughout the day though we had many laughs, a few quite moments with tears, and a lot of talk about the past year and our hopes for the New Year. Christmas Day was a little different.......I had the mindset to make it as normal as possible....well that went down the drain at 3am on Christmas morning!! For some reason I woke up early and laid in bed thinking about how things should be and what other families were doing that morning with their kids........(I try not to do that often because it's not healthy, but I just couldn't help it that day)......then I got to thinking about those poor families in CT that were waking up that morning without their sweet babies and all of the other families that I know that we're hurting because of lost babies and loved ones, and I realized that we weren't alone and that our situation could be much worse. I was sort of blah all day Christmas Day. Cody and I ended up going home just the 2 of us that day for a few hours because I just didn't want to be around people. I just needed a moment just to chill and get refocused. Later that day we went to my parents before the snow storm hit to hang out until the power went out. After that Cody and I went home..... Usually the snow always makes me smile and feel all warm and cozy inside, but this year it didn't. I literally walked in Tinlee's room, pulled her Christmas outfit out of the closet (which is a first because I never get in her closet), and sat in the chair and just cried......I haven't cried that hard in a long time..... I sat there and talked to God and asked Him for comfort and asked Him to hug my baby girl for me..... Then I remembered that it was still Jesus' birthday.....and that Tinlee was having a much better Christmas than any of us here on earth and that I needed to get my sad self up and be thankful that she is healthy and happy and having a good ole time playing on the playground in Heaven. Not to sound overly spiritual, but I did get a lot of comfort in knowing she was having a party in Heaven with Jesus that day and with all the other little children that she is with. 
    I told my family that I was doing pretty good in my grieving until the holidays hit and I feel like I just kind of got put on hold. I don't feel that I went backwards, I just feel like I stood still and didn't go anywhere. Like I just went thru the motions and floated thru the holidays. Needless to say we are very very ready for the New Year. I know our problems won't go away, but it will at least feel like a fresh start. 
Someone sent me this quote and I thought it was very sweet.....

"Babies lost in the womb-Were NEVER touched by fear, they were NEVER cold, NEVER hungry, NEVER alone & importantly ALWAYS knew love"

'Twas 11 days before Christmas

This was a poem someone from worked sent me......

'Twas 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38

When 20 beautiful children stormed through Heavens gates. 

Their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air

They could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there. 

They were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say,

They remembered nothing of what happened earlier that day. 

"Where are we?" asked a little girl, as quite as a mouse. 

"This is Heaven." declared a small boy. 

" We're spending Christmas at Gods house."

When what to their wondering eyes did appear,

But Jesus, their Savior, the children gathered near. 

He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same. 

Then He opened His arms and He called them by name. 

And in that moment was joy, that only Heaven can bring,

Those children all flew into the arms of their King

And as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,

One small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face. 

And as if He could read all the questions she had,

He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."

Then He looked down on earth, the world far below

He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe. 

Then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,

"Let My power and prescience re-enter this land!"

"May this country be delivered from the hands of fools."

"I'm taking back MY nation. I'm taking back my schools!" 

Then He and the children stood up without a sound. 

"Come now my children, let me show you around."

Excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran,

All displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can. 

And I heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,

"In the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt Wolf, PA

This poem gave me chills...... Just the thought of that moment in Heaven makes me smile. 

Christmas in Heaven

I found this poem online and I wanted to share it with you..... I feel like this is exactly what Tinlee is telling me......

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees. 

Around the world below,

With tiny lights, like heaven's stars,

Reflecting on the snow. 

The sight is so spectacular,

Please wipe away that tear. 

For I'm spending Christmas 

With Jesus Christ this year. 

I hear the many Christmas songs,

That people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can't compare,

With the Christmas choir up here. 

For I have no words to tell you,

The joy their voices bring. 

For it is beyond description,

To hear an angel sing 

I cant tell you of the splendor,

Or the peace here in this place. 

Can you just imagine Christmas,

With our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your Spirit,

As I tell Him of your love;

So then pray for one another,

As you lift your eyes above. 

Please let your hearts be joyful,

And let your spirit sing. 

For I'm spending Christmas in Heavem,

And I'm walking with the King!

I know how much you miss me;

I see the pain inside your heart. 

But I'm not so far away,

We really aren't apart. 

So be happy for me, dear ones,

You know I hold you dear,

And be glad I'm spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year. 

I send you each a special gift

From my heavenly home above. 

I send you each a memory

Of my undying love. 

After all " love" is the gift,

More precious than pure gold. 

It was always most important

In the stories Jesus told. 

Please love and keep each other 

As my Father said to do,

For I can't count the blessings

Or the love He has for you. 

So have a Merry Christmas and

Wipe away that tear. 

Remember I'm spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year!

-Author Unknown

Helping Others

In an effort to honor Tinlee and bless others during the holiday season, Cody and I will be collecting items to donate to an organization in Conway called Life Choices. It is a pro-life organization that helps pregnant women in need and that also share the Gospel with everyone they help. Their website is www.lifechoicesinc.org if you would like more information about this organization. Here is a list of items they need to help these families:

• Onesies (newborn, 0-3 mths)
• Sleepers or Gowns (newborn or 0-3 mths)
• Socks (0-6 mths)
• Receiving blankets
• New bottles (4oz or 8 oz)
• Baby wash, lotion, shampoo, powder
• Disposable diapers (newborn or size 1)
• New pacifiers
• Bibs, socks
• Washcloths
• Small stuffed animals
• Box of baby wipes

They even accept gently used baby items (0-12 mths), maternity clothes, and larger baby items like strollers and swings, etc.  Also gift cards are an option and Cody and I can go purchase items to take.

We have received so much support through everyone that loves us that I wanted to extend this out to you instead of just our families. If you feel lead to give please feel free to get any item on the list and give to me, Cody, Credonna, or my mom by Jan. 1, 2012. If u live in Mississippi and want to help you can drop anything off at Pat Whitakers house. We will be seeing them over the New Year. Thank you in advance for all of your support. We pray that this will be a blessing to you as well as to the families it will help. 

Heavy Heart

    I'm so heavy hearted tonight and I just need to vent!!! I know God has a plan, but sometimes I just don't understand!! I want to say that I am deeply sorry for all those hurting right now, no matter what it may be sometimes it gets hard to trust Him when you are doubting at the same time. Im just opening my heart and being honest. My prayer everyday is that my doubts will turn into praises very soon. I'm starting to just accept that I'll never know why I lost Tinlee....however, I tell people all the time that I may not know what His plan was on this side of eternity, but I will do everything in my power to make sure I do things in honor of her to bless other peoples life so that I see the good that comes out of her little life. I will make sure that people never forget her and that she continues touching lives as long as I am living on this earth!!!! While I'm talking about this, I just have to say this.....I was told that I need to start "letting go and not do things in honor of her like she's living here on earth"!!!! I literally about blew a gasket! I think smoke was coming out of my ears! I told that person that if they didn't want to be a part of my life and anything I do for my daughter then they need to hit the road!!! Tinlee is a part of me and a part of who I am and ANYONE that can't accept that or accept the things I do can just unfriend me..... Whewww... Sorry if that sounds ugly but I just can't deal with people like that.. I feel like they are disrespting Tinlee. 
      So, to go back a couple of weeks, my trip to DC was good!! I enjoyed seeing my friend and spending time with her precious girls. They were such a blessing to be around. I told my friend that I struggled the most being around her youngest, a 3 year old!  I struggled in a good way because that's the size and age that I like to think that Tinlee is in Heaven. I would watch her play and invision Tinlee playing like that with the other children in Heaven!!
     Now for why I'm so heavy hearted tonight. The past week has been up and down for me and my family. I think we are all very ready to get thru the holidays. We know the reason and the true meaning of Christmas, but we also know that it's a special time to enjoy with family and friends and it's just different this year. We have all been trying to keep each others spirits up. It seems like every day it's a different one of us thats having a bad day. So please pray for us right now and the weeks to come. On top of trying to keep ourselves afloat I've heard of 4 other families that have lost babies in the past 2 weeks. One a miscarriage, one a stillborn that I don't know how many weeks, one at 33 weeks, and another after birth! I DON'T understand!! I don't know how to comfort these families because I'm still figuring it out myself. I want to go hug them and tell them it's not a fun journey and that it plain sucks!!! I want to tell them to rely on God, their family, each other, and their friends! I know that doesn't bring their baby back or take their pain away, but I feel that it would help. 
      Have families been losing babies like this all along? Or am I just more aware because its happened to me? Or is something wrong with the water? Ha....seriously though!! What is going on?? It seems like one bad thing after another. So many people are hurting!! My heart just breaks every time I hear of something so tragic and even though I know it's Gods plan I still look up and ask, "Why God?". 
I told someone today to tell this family that Tinlee was showing her baby girl around Heaven as we speak. If she was anything like me (bossy and voicetress) (and yes that is a word...the dictionary says it is "one who speaks what she is thinking in any given situation")... Haha.....totally me!!  Anyway, if she is anything like me then she is greeting all these little babies at the pearly gates and showing them the "ins" and "outs" of Heaven ;). Picturing that makes me proud and makes me smile!! I know my little thoughts don't bring everyone comfort but it brings me comfort. 
     This holiday season is so different in so many ways and it seems that so many people are broken this year. Please remember these families. I can't say their names, even though I'm sure they wouldn't mind, but I know they would appreciate prayer. We feel your prayers daily and we know thats what gets us out of bed and living life. Please please dont stop! Many families will be spending their holiday mornings reading the Christmas story in the Bible to their children, opening gifts, and enjoying family. Others will be visiting their loved ones at the cemetery and imagining what their Christmas would be like if things were different. Don't take your babies for granted no matter their age. Life could change in an instant. 
Sorry about the venting. I do know that God has a plan, it's just hard to understand and accept sometimes. Especially when you are being selfish and would rather have your loved one here rather than in Heaven. I know God will see me through this journey and I look forward to hearing Him say "Well done, my good child, well done. ". And then I can run into the arms of my sparkly princess ( yes I'm streaming tears down my face onto my iPad at that thought) and hug her for eternity. We are different because she was a part of our lives and we are different because we lost her and we hope that we can help others with how this has changed us. 

P.S. I hope you all enjoyed our Christmas Card. I know it was hard for some to read, but we just had to do something special this year without ignoring what has happened to us. 

"The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter"

Psalm 30:5 (The Message)

No Promises for Tomorrow

      I haven't written in awhile because believe it or not we have been super busy!! Thanksgiving was good. We got to spend it with family and that kept us busy. We did take a candle to both places to light in memory of Tinlee. The days leading up to Thanksgiving were worse than actual Thanksgiving day. There were so many tragic events that happened last week and it just made me sad because so many people are hurting. Everyone's hurt is so different but yet so bad at the same time. I think it was like 4 days in a row we got news of someone we knew that died in a tragic and unexpected way. Then one day I went by the cemetery to place something on Tinlees site and another baby girl was being buried. I sat there on the ground and kept asking God "why?" "why so much hurt and sadness?".  It brought back memories and hurt from the day we buried Tinlee. It's a pain that is so hard to describe to people unless you have lost a child. I prayed for that family and all the other families hurting and prayed that they would find comfort very soon.

      Cody's been busy hunting ( and hitting deer with my car;)), and I've been keeping myself busy with Tinlees Tree and making wreaths to sale. For those of you that have sent ornaments for Tinlee's Tree, we want to say thank you, thank you, thank you! What a blessing this has been to Cody and me. From the first day that we received our first ornament, we have been given at least one everyday. I think we have a little over 100 ornaments as of now! This has brought a little joy to our lives, a smile to our faces, and warmth to our hearts and has reminded us that so many people love us! I've been told that this has been the hardest ornament they've ever had to buy, the most precious ornament they've ever bought, the saddest and most sentimental ornament they've ever bought, and the only ornament they've ever received a blessing from buying. I just thought I would share some of the comments with you.

     I'm leaving in the morning flying to Washington DC to stay with my best friend for a few days. A much needed get away for me and some good girl time! Cody will be staying home and taking care of things at the house. I will miss him terribly but I am looking forward to seeing my friend.

     We sent our Christmas Cards out today!! I'm excited (as excited as I can be) this year about sending them out. They may not be what I hoped they would be this year, but under our circumstances I made them special. I'm sorry if it was sad, but I just couldn't ignore what happened to us this year. I will post a copy of it on Facebook in a few days.

    I want to say one last thing that has been on my heart. Through all the sad going on lately I'm reminded that we are never promised tomorrow! Live for today and HOPE for tomorrow. Love your family and never take them or life for granted. If your life is good and you have no sadness then thank God for that blessing, because you never know when that sadness and hurt could strike your family! This song had been something I've listened to a lot through my journey of losing Tinlee and I wanted to share with you the part that touches me the most. It's "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman.

"And on that day my strength is failing, the end draws near and my time has come, still my soul will sing your praise unending, ten thousand years and then forever more"

Blessings to all,
Stacy

Deer Widow

     Well, it's that time of year again. I'm an official deer widow :). In the past I have looked forward to this time of year because I could get some things done around the house and I would normally start putting my Christmas decorations up. This year, however, I have not looked forward to deer season. I know that Cody wanted to go and needed to go, but selfishly I wanted him to stay home with me because he's my rock right now. Cody left on Friday and that was my first night at home alone since losing Tinlee. And guess what?? I made it just fine!!!!! My parents and Cody checked on my several times that night, but I really was OK!!! It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I really just kept myself busy ALL weekend by making wreaths, redecorating some things in my house, and cleaning up some of Tinlee's things that we have received over the past several months.

    I did go to Holiday House one night with my friend and that was good for me to get out. I only broke down once!! I think every other booth at these Christmas shows have something to do with babies!!! I just ignored them and walked right past, even though that was VERY hard for me to do. I did get Tinlee's ornament that night from me for her tree. I had to order it and come back later to pick it up since it was personalized. When the lady showed me the ornament with her name on it, I just started crying!!! That poor lady asked me if everything was ok.....let me pause here and say that if ANYONE asks me why I'm crying, they are about to hear exactly why I'm crying...ha......poor lady had to hear about my sweet baby that I lost, and what the ornament was for!! I know she was speechless, but I just couldn't help it!! On another note, the ornament turned out very very cute.

     So, while I'm on the subject of Tinlee's ornament. I just want to say what a blessing everyone has been that has sent ornaments. I'm so touched at the response that we have gotten on everything that we have done to honor our baby girl. This is just another reminder to Cody and I that we are not alone...that people love us and are praying for us daily, and that God continues to bless us everyday with something. Tinlee's tree is the only tree that I am putting up this year. For those of you that know me, you know that is unusualy because I have at least 2 trees that I put up. This year, I just don't have the energy to put all my stuff up. So, I'm putting Tinlee's tree and our stockings up and that's all. I'm very excited to get her tree up and take pictures for all of you to see!!! This tree will go up every year in honor of Tinlee!!
 
    I also finished designing our Christmas Card for this year. I placed the order yesterday and I am very excited to get them sent out. Obviously, I can't send them to everyone, even though I wish I could. I will post the card on Facebook once I get them sent out, so that everyone can see them.

    Just a quick update on how we are all doing. We are doing really well! God has blessed us beyond measure through this tragic event in our lives. We still have sad moments and sad days, but they are getting further apart. I don't get in her closet much, but the other day I needed to get in her closet to get my hot glue gun out, and I just fell to me knees and broke down. It's harder than I can explain to look at all those baby things in her closet that I had dreamed of using on Tinlee. Cody came in the room and hugged me. We had our little moment and then we got up and went about the rest of our day. I'm just accepting that things will be like that probably forever. I know there will always be things that trigger me. Overall, we are doing good. Tinlee's Tree has brought some joy to us and some excitement, because it's fun to see what everyone has picked out.
 
   Please please please continue to remember us through the holidays. I know we are not the only people that will be hurting through the weeks ahead and we are praying for those families that we know will be struggling as well. I just try to remember what the holidays are really about!!

Since everything here today might well be gone tomorrow, do you see how essential it is to live a holy life? Daily expect the Day of God, eager for its arrival. The galaxies will burn up and the elements melt down that day-but we'll hardly notice. We'll be looking the other way, ready for the promised new heavens and the promised new earth, all landscaped with righteousness.

2 Peter 2:11-13 (MSC)

Life As We Know It.....

Life has been pretty busy for us lately. Just wanted to update everyone on some things going on in our lives lately. We got Tinlee's headstone ordered. I feel good about getting it ordered because her 'area' will start looking better. Of course I have to do things different, so I got 1 inch rhinestones cemented in each corner to add a little sparkle and bling to it. I think it's going to look very nice. I hope to have it in by Christmas time.

This past weekend Baptist Hospital did a memorial service for those that have lost a baby there. After the service they did a balloon release and we got to attach a note for our babies on the balloon. The service was nice but pretty emotional. I did good until they sang the song that was played at Tinlee's funeral and I thought I was going to have to get up and leave. I honestly just started thinking about something else because I thought I might would lose it if I thought about it too much. This is the 2nd balloon we have released for Tinlee, but the first one that I have attached a note to. I wonder where those balloons will land and who will read my note?? And bless them when they read it because it is pretty evident that the balloon was released by a mommy that lost a baby!!!

Cody and I also got our Christmas Card picture taken this past weekend. We did a few different things so that Tinlee could be included. I will keep what we did a surprise for now though!!! It was fun taking pictures but also a little bittersweet because we are missing something special in these pictures. I just couldn't stand the thought of completely leaving her out so I came up with a way to include her. I sure hope that everything works out as I have planned!!! Haha....

Yesterday was Halloween and I was so excited about Tinlee's first Halloween and dressing her up. I already had one costume that she would of worn and all day yesterday I just kept thinking about that sweet little outfit. I loved looking at everyone's kids dressed up but at the same time I was a little sad. As others were posting pictures of their kids I was posting pics of her 'resting place' that my mom had decorated. I don't ever want to have a jealous heart, but it's so hard to fight sometimes when you see other people doing something that you should be doing as well. I pray that God makes me strong and continues to get me thru those jealous moments. I honestly avoided going home until late last night just because I was trying to forget about what I 'wanted' to be doing. I started heading home about 9 last night. Cody was behind me and I was in the car by myself talking to my dad on the phone and he asked me how my day went. I couldn't even talk...all I could do was cry and cry and cry. I miss her so much and I try so hard to be strong but it still hurts. The pain isn't as bad as it was 4 months ago thank goodness, but the pain is still there. I guess maybe it's just the holidays or 'special' days that trigger me. I have to admit that after yesterday I am very ready to get thru the next 2 months and start a new year. The year 2012 has been one that I do not ever want to repeat. I obviously can't forget it because I had many enjoyable moments of bonding with Tinlee inside of me and I have learned a lot this year, but this has been the most painful year of my life.
I hope everyone has a blessed day!!!

"For He will order his angels to protect you wherever you go." Psalm 94:11 (NLT)

Blessings

   I just wanted to drop a quick note since I haven't in almost 2 weeks. Cody and I have been doing pretty good. We just take one day at a time and keep ourselves busy. I want to say a special thank you to everyone that lit candles this past Monday night in memory of Tinlee and all the other sweet babies that left this life way to early. Cody and I lit our candle a little before 7pm so that I could get a picture online at 7pm for everyone to see. We set her picture and her candle and the candle for other babies up and then had a little quite moment just the 2 of us praying and remember our sweet baby that we miss so much. I took my picture and then sat there looking at the all the candles that were lit for Tinlee and other babies and all I could do was cry. I was so touched that so many people want to be a part of this journey. I know this is something I already know, but I think I was just reminded of how many people care for us and that we are not alone. I was so touched and my heart just melted at all the sweet comments. So, thank you thank you thank you for being apart of this.

    This week I am going to be doing something that I have been putting off for awhile because it just hurts to bad, but I am going to order Tinlee's headstone. I know I have made this statement before, but this is just something that a mother SHOULD NOT be doing. It breaks me inside, but I also know that I want her resting place to look nice and for people to know who is resting in there. I know this won't surprise anyone, but I want her headstone to be different and I want BLING on it:) I just hope that is possible when I talk to the company!! Anyway, say a special prayer for us this week as we do this, because it's hard on this mommy to have to do this.

    I have had a couple of sweet blessings this week I would like to share with you. First, I got on Etsy.com this week for the first time since losing Tinlee. I loved shopping for her on that website and bought lots of cute things on there for her and it just hurt to get back on there, but I wanted to order her Christmas stocking. I found a place that made really cute ones that look like ours and I emailed the lady and asked for a price for a medium one and told her that this was an extra special one because it was in memory of our sweet daughter that we lost this past summer. We exchanged a few emails and then I gave her my blog so that she could read our story. Within about 30 minutes she wrote me back a very sweet message about how touched she was and how she wanted to make Tinlee's stocking and 8 smaller stockings in memory of Tinlee at no cost!!! I was just overwhelmed with the generosity and sat there and cried some more!!! My second blessing this week was this.....I have been wanting to get a small cedar chest made to store some of Tinlee's special things in. I haven't really been able to find what I want that was affordable. I got the name of a guy from a friend and emailed him and asked him for a quote on a small cedar chest in memory of my little girl that I lost this summer.....The next day he wrote me back and asked me if I would allow him the honor to make a cedar chest for Tinlee at no cost!!! Once again, I sat there and cried because I was so touched!!! Believe it or not, we have had a good week even though after typing this it seems that all I did was cry:)
  
  Anyway, sorry for the long post, but everyone has been such a huge part of this journey with Cody and I and I wanted to share with you all some blessings that we have received out of this. Thank you for loving us and for being apart of this journey!!! We love all of you so much and would not be where we are today if it wasn't for your support!!

An Honor

Today after writing my blog I got a phone call from the manager at the funeral home were Tinlees service was held. She asked me if she could submit our story to the International Cemetery Cremation Funeral Associates (ICCFA) for the KIP Award (Keeping It Personal). It's an award for the most personalized funeral service across the nation. She had to write a summary of our story to the submit and I wanted to share with everyone what she wrote. It touched my heart so much and this is just one more thing that God is doing to show something me something positive out of our sad story. Here is what she wrote...I hope it touches you like it did me:

On the morning of July 4th, 2012, Diane Gardner, Manager at Griffin Leggett Forest Hills Funeral Home and Memorial Park, received a call at home from a local pastor.  His granddaughter, Tinlee, had passed away on the 3rd of July.  Diane went to the hospital to visit with the parents and extended family.  Our goal was to create a tribute fitting for a child, who while she never lived outside the womb, touched countless lives.

An invitation only visitation was held at the funeral home.  The family brought in a lot of the things from the Pinterest Pink room they had created for Tinlee.  Mom-Stacy and Dad-Cody spent time that evening just holding Tinlee and seeing how perfect she was from her head full of blonde hair to her tiny feet.  Diane took a lot of pictures so they could hold close in their memory Tinlee’s time on earth.

The day of the service was hot and sunny and PINK…everyone wore pink, the programs were pink and the flowers were pink.  We used a photo of Stacy and Cody holding Tinlee’s hand on the large screen. When Stacy arrived at the funeral home, she asked if she could holdTinlee throughout the service.  We made a few quick changes and when the family processed in thru the overflowing crowd, Stacy and Cody led the procession with Tinlee in Stacy’s arms wrapped in her pink blanket.  Tinlee’s grandfather spoke during the service and a special friend sang a song for Tinlee, all while Stacy rocked her child.

At the close of the service, Stacy and Cody led the procession out with Tinlee safely snuggled in her mother’s arms.  The family spent some quiet time together before we placed Tinlee in her tiny casket.  Stacy rode in a wheelchair with Cody pushing her, the casket on her lap, as we walked across the street to the cemetery.  Leaving Tinlee there, at the foot of the crossin Forest Hills Memorial Park was one of the hardest things her parents will ever have to do.  Not long after the service, Stacy and Cody gave Diane a “TinleeBracelet” in honor of our contribution to making her tribute a personalized moment that spoke to the guests who Tinlee was and what she continues to mean to the people she touched.

Emotional Roller Coaster

   It seems our lives are an emotional roller coaster right now. One day is good, the next is bad. Or we have several good days in a row and then we have a bad day. I can go one full day without crying and then the next day something triggers me and I am just a total mess. The other day, I woke up and was going about by business. Sadie had just gotten a haircut and she was laying there shaking. Well, all of Sadie's sweaters are in Tinlee's closet, soo....I had to go get them. As soon as I opened the door and took one glance at one of her little outfits, I just started crying!! I quickly grabbed Sadie's sweater and shut the door and left. I tried to keep what just happened off my mind, but as soon as I got in the shower I just crumbled on my knees crying. I was alone, so nobody could hear me and I just let everything in me out!!! Even though Cody and I are having much better days, it doesn't take much to trigger me and I just lose it!! I look forward to the day when certain things don't trigger me. I even think that some people don't realize that I am around them when they are talking and the conversation leads to a baby, or someone that just had a baby, or someone that just lost a baby.....and that triggers me. Usually in those situations I have to walk away and go be by myself for a little bit. If I were to tell them that it upset me then it would lead to me consoling them because they feel bad....so, I just keep it to myself and walk away!!

    So, some good things that we are doing to keep ourselves busy and our minds occupied....we have been traveling on the weekends!!! We have gone to Indiana, Mississippi, Missouri, and next month I am going to Washington DC to see my friend for a few days while Cody is in the deer woods. I know Cody is so excited about deer season, but this year I am just not looking forward to the weekends that I am by myself. I am doing my best to make as many plans as I can on those weekend. Hopefully it will go by fast if we stay busy :)

    I know I have talked about this on my Facebook, but this month is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I know this month is also many other "awareness" months, but this year it's a little different for me since I fall in the category of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month!! I honestly never even heard of this until I lost Tinlee and I also didn't realize how many people actually fell into this category. Since losing Tinlee, I have had so many people come to me and share with me their story of losing their baby either recently or up to 60 years ago. Many have told me that when they lost their baby years ago that you didn't talk about it. You had to deal with the loss yourself and go about your business. Well, I am not sure I would have made it back then since I am very open about EVERYTHING in my life!!! haha.... Many of those people that lost a baby years ago have told me that they are able to grieve over their loss through us and the loss of our baby, and they have thanked me for sharing my story with them and being so open about our journey. (I'm not sure I made sense of that sentence)....I have just been floored by the amount of people that have shared their experiences with me, and I thank you for that!! If my story can help someone else's hurt then that is just one more positive thing that I can take out of this. Anyway...Monday night at 7 pm I would like to ask you to light a candle at your home and keep it lit for one hour in loving memory of all the babies that have been loss during pregnancy at any point, and soon after birth!! It's called "A Wave of Light Across the World".....Cody and I will being doing this in memory of Tinlee and also in memory of all the ones that I have come across in my journey that have lost a baby.
Thank you in advance for doing this:)

                                     "I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. " I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future."

Jeremiah 29:11 (NCV)

Our Weekend Away

Cody and I had to go to Indiana this weekend for a wedding. It was actually a nice get-a-away for us. It was good being with friends and family and getting our minds off of things for awhile. Even though we were keeping our minds busy we still talked about Tinlee a lot. In fact every night before bed we would lay there and talk about her and talk about how anxious we are about our future and how we can't wail until the day we announce that we are pregnant and that Tinlee will be a big sister. And even more, how we can't wait for the day that we get to hold our breathing, healthy baby!!!

  This weekend I got asked for the first time if I had any children. I honestly froze for a second and didn't know what to say. I knew that person didn't want to hear my answer and I also knew that I couldn't deny that question either. I looked at him and said with a small smile " Yes, we have a sweet little girl in Heaven with Jesus". He looked at me for a moment and quickly said he was sorry. Im not sure either one of us new what to say after that. It was a little awkward!! I so wish those situations weren't like that. The only way to make it not awkward is to say "No, we dont have children", but I just can't do that!!! The thought of denying that we have Tinlee just makes me sick inside. Makes me feel like her life wasnt for a purpose. Her life was most definitely a purpose!!!

   Cody and I have been having better days. I get little emails or text messages everyday from different people that just say they are thinking about us and they are praying for us still. That still helps us more than you know. It's nice to know that we are still thought about. People even tell me that they go see Tinlee at the cemetery and that just makes my heart melt. I remember when I was pregnant with her and I looked forward to the days that people would come see her. I know that it is different but just to now that she gets visitors there warms my heart and just reminds me again that people love us and her and that she is still impacting people's lives more than I ever could of imagined.  Today in my devotional I read this scripture and I hope it touches you as much as it touched me!!!

       "We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated. We do not know what to do, but we do not give up the hope of living. We are persecuted, but God does not leave us. We hurt sometimes, but we a not destroyed. " 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NCV)

What I've Learned from Tinlee

    I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything, but we have been pretty busy lately (or at least trying to keep ourselves busy).  Last week was a pretty good week for us, there were a couple of "rough" days in there for us, but we always manage to make it through those bad days with prayer and support from each other. God always seems to give us a "good" day after our "bad" days......One thing that kept upsetting me last week is I know that people have to go on with their lives and that some people may have already forgotten about Tinlee, and that just crushes me inside!!! I want so badly for the entire world to be touched by Tinlee ( I know that is a little extreme..haha), but I want her life to continue touching other peoples lives for many many years....
   
    Wow!! The things that I have learned from my little girl. She has taught me so much in her short life. One of my biggest weaknesses is patience!!! That is one thing I have learned and am still learning through this entire adventure. Cody and I have had to be patient and wait for results from tests, wait for my body to heal, and still waiting to see what our future holds. We are also learning to trust God more. I was reminded over the past several weeks that I am not in control of what happens in my life...GOD is in control!!! HE is in control of our future and He knows what our future holds. One of the biggest things I have learned is LOVE!!! I never thought I could love something as much as I love Tinlee!! From the moment we found out I was pregnant, I loved that little baby inside of me!!! I have had several people tell me that we will "love" and "appreciate" our next baby even more!! At first my mind could not fathom loving another child even more, but now I get that statement!!! I know that I will appreciate our next child even more!! I won't take the little things for granted....Tinlee has shown me an even bigger picture of what LOVE really is and I thank her for that. She has made me look at the "brighter" and more "positive" side to things.
    
     Yesterday our entire church service was on HOPE....HOPE for our future!!!! I know the main point was that when we are in bad situations that we always have HOPE that we will see our Heavenly Father one day. As I was sitting there listening I started tearing up at the thought of seeing our Heavenly Father, but also at the thought of seeing my baby girl. I imagined for so long what she would look like when she was born and what she would look like when she was older....I know what she looked like when she was born, but I am going to have to continue waiting to see what she will look like when she is older....but one day I WILL get to see her and I long for that moment everyday!!!

    Thank you for reading my blogs!! I hope you continue to enjoy them and I hope they aren't too depressing to read:) Please please please continue to pray for Cody and I and our families. We need prayers everyday, because even though I know everyone else has gone on with their lives, we are still trying to figure out how to go on with ours without Tinlee. In everything that we do we think that Tinlee is suppose to be doing these things with us and she's not!!! The holidays are coming up quickly, and to be perfectly honest I am not looking forward to them this year!! I had pictured our holidays this year being so exciting and even more fun because we would have a little baby to play with. I love you all and thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers!!

 

"Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us. The Scriptures give us patience and encouragement so that we can have hope."

Romans 15: 4

Questions

         I have been raised in a Christian home my entire life and I know all the "right" Christian answers, but nothing makes you question things more than when you go through something tragic in your life. Before I get started on all the questions that I have asked myself and that other people have asked me, I want to say this......I know Tinlee is in Heaven, I know I will see her again one day, and I know that there is a reason for everything that happens!!!
      Ok.....so one thing I have wondered is what are babies in Heaven? I have actually been asked this many many times through this experience. It's a question that you don't think about much until something like this happens to you. I don't think that she is a baby in Heaven, but what is she? I know here on earth nobody knows the "real" answer to that. Some people think we are all around the same age, some think there are children and adults in Heaven. For my own peace of mind, I like to picture her has a small toddler girl with blonde ringlets running around and playing with the other children and sitting on Jesus's lap. I know in the Bible it says how much Jesus loves all the little children (yes, I know that is a song as well), but I like to think of her in that way.
       Another question that I have struggled with is why?? why babies?? why let me carry her 35 weeks and then take her away?? The only answer I can come up with is that there is a reason. I'm not sure I will ever know that reason on this side of eternity...but I wonder that quite often. Someone told me that Tinlee would not of touched as many people if she was not around for 35 weeks. Tinlee's life was for a purpose and as long as I am living I will always make sure that her life is remembered and honored so that she continues to touch lives for years to come. That's my comfort!!
    I have had to turn some of my selfish questions into "What am I suppose to learn from this tragedy?" I have to try and quit asking God "WHY?" and start asking Him "WHAT NOW?". If I keep asking why? (which believe me, I still struggle with this one) then I will keep going backwards.... I know we will find our happiness in life again. We are starting to see happier days, but we still hurt so bad at the same time. Cody and I tell each other that Tinlee would want us to be happy. She would not want us sad and depressed. We are not sad and depressing people and our Hope is finding that joy again in our lives, and I know that we will one day!! OUR STORY ISN'T OVER...WE WILL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING!!!!
   Well, I am off to the cemetary to put flowers on Tinlees resting place!!! I still have a hard time saying those words, but it's a part of my life now.........HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you".

Matthew 5:4 (MSG)

What Makes a Mother.....

Someone shared this with me today and as I read it I just sat here and cried because it was so touching and true..I wanted to share it with all of you:)

 

Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you?

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.

I asked "What makes a mother?"

and I know I heard Him say,

"A mother has a baby".

This we know is true.

"But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?"

"Yes you can!!" He replied with confidence in His voice.

"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice....Some I send for a lifetime,and others for the day and some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay".

"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby to be here."

He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear...

 "I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child's smile, with all the other children and hear them say....."

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday.

When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay, I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear,

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

 

"So you see my dear sweet one,  your children are ok.

Your babies are born in my home and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with me until your lessons through.

And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you.

 

So now you see what makes a mother...

It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done.

They'll be up here with me one day and know that you are the best one."

 

 

        I have to say that as I sit here typing this my eyes are blurry from crying. I know I will see Tinlee someday, but right now in this moment I hurt so bad because I want to see her and hold her. I know that is my selfish side, but it's just the truth. I do get comfort in knowing she is in a happy place and this little story reminded me of that. In my devotional this morning, this was the scripture that I read and I know there is HOPE in my future that I WILL see Tinlee again one day and HOPE that while I wait here on earth that my story in life is not over. I know there are happier days to come.....

 

 

"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father encourage you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say. God loved us, and through his grace he gave us a good HOPE and encouragement that continues forever"
2 Thessalonians 2: 16-17



Changes.....

    Cody and I had a good weekend. We got up Saturday morning and thought we would go shopping (something I haven't wanted to do since losing Tinlee). Both of us needed a serious update on shoes and clothes and we knew lots of places were having sales. It was good for us to be out and do something for ourselves.
     Many people don't know this, but one of my struggles is being at home by myself right now. Every morning I get up and I walk into Tinlee's room and I just sit in the chair and look out the window. Most mornings that helps me, but some mornings I just wake up missing her so badly that I just get more upset when I go in her room and picture her in her bed and in her swing. I sit in her room and talk to God and after every prayer I ask Him to give her a big hug for me and to tell her that her momma loves her (now, I realize that may not actually happen like that, but it gives me comfort and makes me feel closer to her). My mom keeps telling me the closer you are to God, the closer you are to Tinlee!! I truly believe that statement.....Even though I may not understand everything here on earth, I know God has a reason for this, and I know that Tinlee's short life was lived for a purpose. Cody and I see some of that purpose everyday just by the cards we are still getting in the mail and the gifts that people are still giving us!!!
      Anyway,  I don't have to be at work until 2pm Monday-Friday, which puts me by myself at home till 1pm.....so every morning I get up, get dressed, and leave the house because if I am there to long by myself I start getting very sad and depressed. I think one thing that might help me is making some changes to my house and to myself. So.....this week I am getting a new hairstyle, Cody is getting a haircut, and so is Sadie :) Then, I want to start on my house. I want to paint and rearrange furniture so that things just look more fresh!! I know that is small things to some people, but I think it will help me be able to stay at home more. I know my husband will be glad about that because since losing Tinlee, I have had very little motivation. I don't know if this is part of grieving or what, but I am not motivated to cook or clean (for those people that really know me, they know this is VERY unlike me). Everyday I try and force myself to do at least one thing I am not motivated to do, even if it is watering a plant. Whatever works, right??
       Someone told me the other day that they never know what to say to me. My response to that is I know that people don't know what to say to me, especially when I am crying!! But, sometimes, just a hug, or a pat on the back, or just telling me that you love me and are praying for us is all I need. I also want to say that I am still Stacy...I may be different now in some ways, but I am still Stacy. I'm just different in that I am a mother that lost a child that has forever changed me!!!

"Keep your head UP. God gives His hardest battles to His strongest Soldiers"

Dear Tinlee,

I have been doing a lot of writing lately... Not just through this blog, but also in a journal at home. I write letters to Tinlee almost everyday. I thought I would share one with you!


Tinlee,

      Today you would be 9 weeks and 1 day old. Mommy and daddy miss you so so much. What we would give to get to hold you, kiss you, change your diapers, and feed you. I imagine you in Heaven right now laughing and playing with the angels. I so wish I could get a glimpse of you right now. I know you are safe and happy, but my mom side would just like to see that for myself. We have started leaving your bedroom door open at home so that it's not so depressing walking down the hallway. We go in there more now since the door is open. Almost every morning I go sit in the chair and have a little moment just thinking about you. You would love your room. Your pop and your daddy spent a lot of time painting it for you and your nana and I spent a lot of time decorating it. We put so much love into making your room the perfect place for you. It's the brightest and prettiest room in the house. You can't help but smile when you look in there.
     Your daddy and I are doing better. When I get sad I think to myself that you would want us to be happy. When I see little babies, especially little girls, that were born around the time you were I can't help but get teary eyed. I see them and think that is the size you are suppose to be. I hope that those parents realize what a blessing they have in their arms. Im so happy for those families, but it makes me miss you so much more. You would of been one styling little girl. You had blingy pacifiers, blingy shoes, and blingy clothes....not to mention all the pink frilly clothes and HUGE hair bows ;). I still don't go through your things....I don't even open your drawers or your closet right now....it's just too hard for me. I'm sure it will be quite some time before I can do any of that.
   It helps me so much to write letters to you. It helps me get all my feelings and thoughts out! We miss you bunches and think about you all the time.
                                                                                                         I love you,
                                                                                                                   Mommy

                    "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we          

                          ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that 

            words cannot express". Romans 8:26

A Different Child

This is a poem that I found and I wanted to share it with everyone......It really hit home with me!!

A Different Child

A different child, people notice

There's a special glow around you.

You grow surrounded by love

Never doubting you are wanted;

Only look at the pride and joy

In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes between the smiles

There's a trace of tears,

One day you'll understand.

You'll understand there was once 

another child.

A different child.

Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.

That child will never keep them up at night.

In face, that child will never be any trouble at all....

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,

When mother and father miss so much

That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly

And may you learn the lesson forever:

How infinitely precious,

How infinitely fragile is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman

You may see another mother's tears

Another father's silent grief

Then you, and you alone will understand

And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost you will tell them

with great compassion:

"I know how you feel. I'm only here because my parents tried again."

PD MacMillan

Our Future

          Many people have asked how we are doing emotionally and how I am doing physically. My response is always "I'm ok!!". Physically I am doing great!! Praise the Lord!!!!! It's been a rough couple of months for my poor body, but I am feeling so much better now that I have in a long time. My weight is down to less than it was before I got pregnant with Tinlee, which has been a combination of my gallbladder surgery and just stress in general. Emotionally we are doing "ok"! This week has been a better week for us than last week. Last week I started back to work and it was emotionally and physically draining for me. Going back to work is good for me because it keeps me busy and keeps my mind off of things for a little while, and it gets me back into a routine of life. It was just hard because it wasn't what we had planned for when I started back to work. I was suppose to be taking Tinlee to childcare and Cody was suppose to be picking her up and spending the evening with her just the 2 of them!! He was so excited about that time with her because he knew she would of been a Daddy's Girl!! So instead of doing what we had planned, I was going to her burial site and spending time with her there before I went to work. I get comfort and peace going to visit her there. It makes me feel like I am doing something for her as her mommy. Cody and I have our good days and bad days. Being at home by myself in the mornings is rough on me because I start getting sad and missing her, and then Saturdays and Sundays are rough on me. Saturday's were the days we were suppose to be together as a family and hanging out in our pajamas and being lazy and Sundays was the day that I was going to get her all dressed up in her dress and hair bows and take her to church as a family. I looked forward to all those moments and now I know that I can't do any of those and it hurts when I think about it. Someone told me that what I am mourning and grieving over are the "dreams" I had with her. And he was right.....the moments that I hurt the most are when I am thinking about what we could be doing with her at this very moment. So when I start thinking about those moments and getting sad I try and think about where she is right now and that gives me comfort. I know she is safe and happy and sweet Tinlee will never feel the hurt and pain that we feel on this earth. I'm very jealous of her because she is experiencing something in her life that I have dreamed about and always wondered about. She is in Heaven and happier than she would ever be here on earth!!

     I want people to always remember Tinlee and I want her name to have a positive impact on other people's lives. I can promise you that I will never stop talking about her and doing things to honor her. She was my baby girl...my sweet daughter....and I could never not celebrate her precious life. Please don't ever be afraid to hug us ask how we are doing!! It's comforting to know that people are still praying for us and haven't forgotten about us. Some people tell us that they don't want to upset us by mentioning her, but I promise you that Tinlee is on our mind 24/7, and hugging us will not upset us!!! We realize that people go on about their lives and we understand that, but we are trying to figure out how to go on with our lives without our baby girl. We know God is taking care of us and we know that He has great things planned for us!!!

     Many have asked us what our plans our now. Well, our hearts desire is to have children and make our family bigger. Our plan is to try and get pregnant as soon as we can. My doctors have all released me, so we are just leaving it in God's hands. Through this entire journey that we have been on we have been reminded that things don't always happen how we have planned, that it's in God's timing. So, Lord Willing....God will let us conceive a child in the near future. God knows the desires of our hearts and we know that He will provide in His timing.

God's way is perfect. All the LORD's promises prove true.

Psalm 18:30

Tinlee's Name Book

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Tinlee's Birth Story

The entire time I was pregnant, I had always imagined what my "birth story" would be like. I never imagined for my story to be like this. Since I am doing this blog in memory of Tinlee and to write about our journey through tragedy, healing, and the rest of our lives, I couldn't skip over writing about Tinlee's Birth Story. This is a part of our lives that has changed the course of our lives forever.
I woke up Monday morning, July 2 to the normal routine of feeling Tinlee kick around in my belly. I was actually at home on bedrest that day so once I got out of bed, I took a shower and was going to move my "bedrest" to the couch. While in the shower I felt a pain in my stomach, but just assumed it was a contraction because I had been having them for a few days now (which is why I was on bedrest). Later that evening, Cody's family was coming over to celebrate my birthday. I remember before everyone got here telling Cody that I hadn't felt her move in awhile. Neither of us really thought much about it because we were told that when your body is getting ready to go into labor that you won't feel your baby move as much. But, I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. I had called my mom and she suggested I drink a Coke and eat something sweet and then lay on my side for awhile and see if she starts moving then. After everyone left my house that night I drank my Coke, ate something sweet, and laid down for awhile. After about 30 minutes of laying down and not feeling her move we decided to call my doctor and see what they suggested. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for that Tuesday with Dr. Sellers and I wasn't sure if I was just being paranoid and should just wait for my appointment or go to the hospital just to get peace after hearing her heartbeat. The doctor said I can do whatever I felt, that not feeling her move later in pregnancy does slow down, but if I wanted peace then to go to the hospital. I actually laid back down for about 10 more minutes and finally told Cody, "Let's go to the hospital!!". Earlier that day we had put the carseat in the car and packed our bags just in case I went into labor early. So, we put the bags in the car and headed to the hospital about 11:00 on that Monday night. We decided on the way there that we wouldn't bother our families until we found out what was going on. We sort of assumed that we might be having her that night. We got in the room and the nurse hooked me up to the monitor and started looking for Tinlee's heartbeat. I was just laying there calmly waiting to hear that fast thumping or her little heart start racing away. After about 2 mintues of looking, the nurse said "I can't find her heartbeat". I told her "Well keep looking, it's in there!!". She went and got the ultrasound machine to see if she could see her moving that way. When Tinlee's sweet little body showed up on the ultrasound, she was as still as could be. Since I work in Radiology and know a little something about ultrasounds, I knew something was bad wrong. I looked at Cody and he was white as a ghost. I told him that he needs to go call our parents and get them here. Within about 5 minutes I had about 4 nurses in my room searching around on my belly trying as hard as they could to find her heartbeat, but nothing. Within another 5 minutes they had us quickly moved to a delivery room and told us the doctor would be here shortly. Cody crawled in bed with me and we just broke down together. We were still waiting for 100% confirmation from the doctor and the ultrasound tech, but we knew deep down what the answer was going to be. We knew our little Tinlee had gone to be with Jesus. However, it still didn't seem real. The doctor came in and sat on the bed with us and talked to us, telling us that he didn't expect to see anything different with the "real" ultrasound. While we were waiting for ultrasound to get there Cody's family arrived first. Of course everyone was in complete shock and the moment was very emotional. Soon after the ultrasound tech got there, the doctor asked everyone to leave so we could have privacy and that's where the doctor confirmed to us that there was no heartbeat. He asked us if at the point we wanted to go home and let the news sink in or deliver her today. Well, there was NO WAY I was leaving that hospital until I delivered her. I quickly told him we would stay. Then it hit me.....I had to do the most impossible thought EVER....I had to deliver my baby with no heartbeat!!! How was I suppose to do that??? In the midst of tears with Cody and I, I asked the doctor if he could just do a c-section to cut her out and he said "No!!", he said my body need to go through the process of delivery in order to release hormones. Of course at the time I didn't really care about all that, but we didn't have much of an option. They didn't start inducing me for another 3 hours in order for us to see family, friends, and sort of let the news settle in a little bit. By this time it was after 1 in the morning. My family got there right after the ultrasound and broke down with us as well. It just didn't seem real. Questions were flooding our heads like "Why?" "What happened?" "How did this happen?" Why us?".....In the meantime, the rest of our families started showing up, my brother and his wife were on their way from Kansas City, MO, our friends from Mississippi were on their way, and friends were showing up for support. At 4am they gave me the medicine to start inducing me. The doctor told me that it would take at least 10 hours and probably longer before I would be ready for delivery. Honestly, I didn't care how long it took, because I knew I didn't want to push her out, because I knew what that moment would mean. That was an EXTREMELY long day for our families and friends. I still to this day do not know who all came to the hospital. I know there were 3 waiting rooms full of people coming in and out all day. I pretty much only let family come back to the room because the situation was just a very sad and heartbreaking situation and I just couldn't keep reliving the emotions everytime someone came in. Plus, they were giving me lots of medicine to relax me so that I could try and get some rest. Once I was dilated to 3cm, they suggested that I get an epidural. I actually wasn't even really hurting and didn't want the epidural, but my sweet nurses sat down with me and encouraged me to get one because the pain would come and there was no need in my feeling anything. So, I agreed and got the epidural. About 2 hours after I got the the epidural, Dr. Sellers came in to check on me. He suggested that we go ahead and break my water to get the process moving a little faster. He told me after he broke my water that everything looked good. Because of my situation, he was hoping that when he broke the water that there would be something to show maybe why this was happening, but everything was fine. Once my water broke, it didn't take 3 hours and I was dilated to a 10. However, sweet Tinlee wasn't ready and was sitting to high in my belly, so they sat me up for 2 hours to try and get her to drop down a little more so that I wouldn't have to push as long. Once I started pushing I pushed for 2.5 hours. I think mentally it was very hard for me to push her out, plus I was so emotionally exhausted from the day. Before I started pushing I told Cody that we could not cry during the pushing because I wouldn't have the strength to deliver her. We did good during that 2.5 hours because we never cried!!! At 6:47pm on July 3, a beautiful blonde headed little girl was born weighing 4 pounds 2 ounces, and was 17 inches long. The moment that she was born and they laid her on top of me is when I broke down. I wanted so badly to hear her cry....I begged the doctor to make her cry!!! I was so broken and all I wanted in that moment was to hold my crying baby girl!!! After she was born the nurses gave her a bath, put her in the cute outfit I had bought her, and handed her to me. There was a photographer there taking pictures thru the delivery and was going to take pictures of Tinlee after she was born. Once all of that was over they let all of our family and friends come back and see her. Anyone that wanted to hold her could hold her. Everyone stayed for about 3 hours with us and Tinlee. Once they all left Cody and I got to spend time with her, just the 3 of us!! That is a moment I will never forget!! All thru my pregnancy I dreamed of watching Cody hold her and bond with her. I was thankful that we got even that little bit of time with her. She was a beautiful baby with blonde curly hair and blue eyes. In her short little life of 35 weeks she has touched so many lives and left her footprints on so many people's heart!!
We love you so much Tinlee.....