Emotional Roller Coaster

   It seems our lives are an emotional roller coaster right now. One day is good, the next is bad. Or we have several good days in a row and then we have a bad day. I can go one full day without crying and then the next day something triggers me and I am just a total mess. The other day, I woke up and was going about by business. Sadie had just gotten a haircut and she was laying there shaking. Well, all of Sadie's sweaters are in Tinlee's closet, soo....I had to go get them. As soon as I opened the door and took one glance at one of her little outfits, I just started crying!! I quickly grabbed Sadie's sweater and shut the door and left. I tried to keep what just happened off my mind, but as soon as I got in the shower I just crumbled on my knees crying. I was alone, so nobody could hear me and I just let everything in me out!!! Even though Cody and I are having much better days, it doesn't take much to trigger me and I just lose it!! I look forward to the day when certain things don't trigger me. I even think that some people don't realize that I am around them when they are talking and the conversation leads to a baby, or someone that just had a baby, or someone that just lost a baby.....and that triggers me. Usually in those situations I have to walk away and go be by myself for a little bit. If I were to tell them that it upset me then it would lead to me consoling them because they feel bad....so, I just keep it to myself and walk away!!

    So, some good things that we are doing to keep ourselves busy and our minds occupied....we have been traveling on the weekends!!! We have gone to Indiana, Mississippi, Missouri, and next month I am going to Washington DC to see my friend for a few days while Cody is in the deer woods. I know Cody is so excited about deer season, but this year I am just not looking forward to the weekends that I am by myself. I am doing my best to make as many plans as I can on those weekend. Hopefully it will go by fast if we stay busy :)

    I know I have talked about this on my Facebook, but this month is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I know this month is also many other "awareness" months, but this year it's a little different for me since I fall in the category of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month!! I honestly never even heard of this until I lost Tinlee and I also didn't realize how many people actually fell into this category. Since losing Tinlee, I have had so many people come to me and share with me their story of losing their baby either recently or up to 60 years ago. Many have told me that when they lost their baby years ago that you didn't talk about it. You had to deal with the loss yourself and go about your business. Well, I am not sure I would have made it back then since I am very open about EVERYTHING in my life!!! haha.... Many of those people that lost a baby years ago have told me that they are able to grieve over their loss through us and the loss of our baby, and they have thanked me for sharing my story with them and being so open about our journey. (I'm not sure I made sense of that sentence)....I have just been floored by the amount of people that have shared their experiences with me, and I thank you for that!! If my story can help someone else's hurt then that is just one more positive thing that I can take out of this. Anyway...Monday night at 7 pm I would like to ask you to light a candle at your home and keep it lit for one hour in loving memory of all the babies that have been loss during pregnancy at any point, and soon after birth!! It's called "A Wave of Light Across the World".....Cody and I will being doing this in memory of Tinlee and also in memory of all the ones that I have come across in my journey that have lost a baby.
Thank you in advance for doing this:)

                                     "I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. " I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future."

Jeremiah 29:11 (NCV)