Colton's Birth Story

Well....we are starting to realize that I may never carry a baby to full term. It seems my pregnancies all end in a very 'dramatic' way. This time, though, our little blessing is doing very well in NICU. We know our sweet Tinlee is looking out for us and watching over her little brother. We wish she were here to enjoy Colton with the rest of us. I'd say that Colton has the sweetest guardian watching over him and rooting for him to get well. 

I'm going to try my best to remember the details of the 3 days leading up to Colton's birth, but so much has happened I may miss something. On Wednesday, October 16, I woke up about 3am from a dead sleep having major cramping. It quickly went away and then several minutes later it would come back. I just figured it was Braxton Hicks contractions, so I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, but they just kept coming. I got up that morning and still wasn't feeling well, but I got ready and went to work anyway. I was at work for about 2 hours and my pains just kept getting closer together. I knew Colton was ok because I had felt him move all day long. I just wasn't sure what the pain was. I ended up leaving work and going to the hospital, just to be checked, because of my history. What most people don't know at this point is that my parents were headed to Kansas City to see me brother for the weekend and we didn't want to stop them from going, so we decided not to tell anyone we were going to hospital because we felt it was no big deal. We just thought I was dehydrated and that I'd be sent home. Once we got to the hospital, Dr. Sellers wanted to run a test on me to see if I was going in to pre-term labor. Everyone thought it would for sure come back negative. A couple hours after the test, Dr. Sellers came walking into my room and quickly wanted to see if I was dilated and wanted to do an ultrasound because my test was positive. Sure enough I was dilated to 2cm and 90% effaced. I immediately panicked because this was the same thing that happened with Tinlee when I went in to the hospital and I was sent home and I lost her 4 days later. Things started happening pretty quickly at that point. Dr. Sellers did an ultrasound to check Colton and found out he was head down and already dropping pretty quickly. He looked good though...his heartbeat was good and strong. They started giving me medicine to stop the contractions that I had been having all day and also gave me a steroid shot to help Colton's lungs just in case I had him early.  At this point I was having contractions every 5 minutes. We decided to call our parents and let them know what was going on. We really thought they would get my contractions to stop and once I got stable I would be transferred to the high risk floor until I delivered. That was an incredibly long night. My contractions started getting better and Dr. Sellers wanted to leave me on monitors all night and if things were better by morning then I would change rooms. By Thursday morning, my contractions started coming back Dr. Sellers wanted to get a High Risk Doctor to come over and do a High Risk Ultrasound on me and see if he could tell what was going on. That ultrasound showed Colton looked perfect and my placenta looked great. At that point my contractions were like 3 minutes a part and I think I was still dilated at 2cm and this time I was 100% effaced. They wanted to try one more medicine to try and stop contractions. This one was a shot every 30 minutes if I could keep my heartrate low enough. Let me tell u... I was so stressed at that point that it was very hard to keep my heartrate under 125. After 2 sets of shots I started feeling better. We really thought it had worked. Our family and friends started leaving the hospital and I was finally going to get to eat. I remember getting up to go to the bathroom and at that time my contractions came back and I had about 5 contractions in 5 minutes. It was about 8pm Thursday night and I was in sooo much pain. I walked out and told the nurse that I was really hurting. I was ready for someone to tell me that I was having this baby (even though I wasn't ready to have him) and to get an epidural. Aftery nurse 'checked' me.. I was dilated to 6cm and she could feel his head. She finally told me we were having this baby tonight and I could FINALLY get an epidural!!!!! I was glad someone finally told me that we were having a baby, but I broke down crying because I didn't want my baby to on ventilator. I didn't know anything about preemies and I didn't want my baby to have to go through all of that. 

I immediately got my epidural and started trying to relax and rest some. We were really hoping that we could hold off for about 20 more hours before delivering in order to get the 2nd steroid shot for Colton. I got the epidural around 8:30 pm and we sent the rest of our family and friends home for the night. Around 1100 pm the nurse checked to see if I was dilated anymore and sure enough I was complete. Little Colton knew something was about to happen and he wanted to get out of there!!!!! They called the doctor in and we were ready to start pushing at midnight. They had the NICU team in there and ready to get Colton. The plan was when he came out and cried that the doctor would hand him to me for a second and then the NICU team would take him away. We started pushing and in between pushes the doctor would talk to me and try and get me to relax. There were some laughs and some tears. About 20 minutes in to my pushing my doctor looked at me real serious AND told me to push him out NOW!!! So I pushed, but not hard enough. He told me to do it again, but still wasn't hard enough. Then he told everyone to look at the ceiling and he was going to cut me and get him out. All the sudden I had the biggest urge to push and I did and out came Colton with the tiniest little cry you have ever heard. Everyone in the room busted out in tears. I asked Dr. Sellers what happened and he said he'd tell me later. He quickly handed Colton to the NICU doctor and not me and I knew at that point that something happened. Everyone, except Dr. Sellers, left me and went over to where Colton was. Let me pause here and say that we allowed everyone that was in the room for Tinlees birth to be in the room for Colton's birth, even our dads. However, the dad's were behind a curtain ;) Once everyone walked away I asked Dr. Sellers what happened and he said Colton's heartrate had already dropped in the 50s because my placenta was detaching again. I about fell out when he told me that. He also said he was about to take me for emergency C-Section. So when we say this little guy is a blessing, he truly is our little miracle blessing. 

I didn't want to have him early and kept asking God why can't I have a normal delivery??? Once again, I need to trust more that God is taking care of us. It is very possible if I didn't deliver that night and if I went home that the same thing could have happened to Colton. I literally cannot let my mind go there. With that said I was never ever stable enough to be discharged anyway...

I'm sitting here at the hospital holding my sweet baby now and my heart is just smiling at the joy and happiness he has brought us. He has no idea how many people are praying for him and how loved he already is. He also has no idea how many people want to meet him. We truly cannot wait until he is stable and strong enough for everyone to meet him. 

We are so very thankful for all of the support we have received during my labor and delivery and while Colton is in the hospital. We still need prayers for our little guy that he will eat better so we can go home soon. It's awful tiring coming to this hospital everyday. We love each one of you and hope to be back to a normal life soon. 

"For this child I have prayed, and The Lord has granted me the desires of my heart". I Samuel 1:27

Ready for Our Happy Ending

    I haven't updated on our pregnancy in awhile and I've had a lot of people ask how things are going. Things are going good but about to get very busy!! We are seeing Dr. sellers every 2 weeks now. We saw him yesterday and baby Colts heartbeat was 155. Very good and strong heartbeat. He's measuring a little big and momma isn't gaining weight at all. GO FIGURE THAT!! Lol..... My dad just doesn't believe that at all!! Haha.....We go for a growth scan in 2 weeks to make sure he's measuring good and that my fluids are The right level. I'm also getting a 4D ultrasound on October 4. We are excited about that. Once I hit 32 weeks they will start doing stress tests on me and the baby to make sure baby is moving like he should be and that his heart is good and strong. My doctor doesn't think I will carry till 40 weeks... He's guessing somewhere between 37-38 weeks. He's trying to prep me and Cody for when I hit 34-35 weeks for our anxiety to kick in, because we lost Tinlee at 35 weeks. To be honest I'm trying not to think about it, but its always in the back of my head. 

   Emotionally, Cody and I are doing really good. We've gotten past some things we were dreading, like packing Tinlees things up and baby registering. I really really dreaded Registering. I wanted to go because I know baby Colt needs some things that I don't have, but I dreaded looking at all the baby stuff. But, it turned out to be a lot of fun and we ended up laughing a lot!! 

   Physically, I'm doing good. My back and hips bother me a lot, but I just try and go slow and take it easy as often as I can. This pregnancy is different because I seem to be carrying him straight out front and its pulling my back. I've finally started feeling him move!! I've been very glad about that. I was beginning to think I would never feel him move. After our 18 week ultrasound I was told that I had an anterior placenta, which is rare but not bad. It mainly meant that it put more cushion between me and the baby so I wouldn't feel him move until he got bigger. I started feeling him move around 25 weeks. And since then he hasn't stopped!! I love feeling his little kicks and feeling him roll around. Sometimes looks like a little alien in my belly doing cartwheels, but I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything. The biggest thing I want at this point is for him to be fully grown and get out of my body. I sometimes feel like his life wouldn't be as in danger as it is with him inside of me. I know many people will not understand that, but since losing a baby, I'm so nervous having a life grow inside of me. I know it's in God's hands and I trust Him, but that's my biggest fear. 

   Ok, to the good stuff!!! His NURSERY!! We hope to have Tinlees stuff completely cleaned out and put in attic by this weekend, so that my dad and Cody can paint next week. Then Cody can finish painting the furniture and I can decorate. I can't wait to see it all together. I'm doing a theme of antique trucks. We are painting the furniture black, one wall red/khaki stripes, one wall red, the others khaki, and my ceiling a light blue. I think it's going to look GREAT!!! 

   Please continue to keep us in your prayers. As we get closer and closer to the end of this pregnancy we get more and more anxious. We are so ready to hold this little guy in our arms and show him how much he is loved. It feels like we have been pregnant for 2 years;).… lol... And we are just so ready for our Happy Ending and to bring our healthy baby boy home. 

20 weeks and Counting!!!

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant with this little guy and finally things are starting to calm down and get more real. We have had so many people ask how we are doing? How do we feel that it's a boy? What are our plans with a little boy?? 

Well.....I'll start with the pregnancy update... We are doing much much better. Dr. Sellers warned me that this pregnancy would be stressful but I wasn't expecting to have this much anxiety. Ughhh.....sometimes it's just so exhausting!! Last Monday we had our high risk appointment along with our detailed Ultrasound and I have to say that since that appointment I have had a load lifted off of me. Everything went perfect with the appointment and the baby is very strong and healthy. 

Sooo.....having a BOY! Hmmm....I'm not gonna lie that when I first found out I had a very very hard time!! In my mind I am all ready for a little girl because I have everything I need. That's all I have thought about for 2 years, was having a little girl. Honestly, I think I knew deep down it was a boy, but I was still surprised. Mainly I was upset because I know that having a boy is going to make me face some things I've been dreading, like cleaning Tinlees room out and packing her things up. That's something that just makes my stomach hurt. We've known for about among that it was a boy and I'm in a much much better place. I'm excited and making plans for this little guy and can't wait to meet him and get to know him. I know now looking back that God has His hand on us and continues to prove that only He knows what's best for us!! 

We are in the process of picking out furniture and putting Tinlees items in the attic and getting out things we can reuse for a boy (which isn't much..haha). I hope to start painting within the next week and am very anxious about seeing the final outcome of the nursery. We haven't 100% decided on a name yet.... We are pretty close to deciding and as soon as we know I will announce it to everyone. 

I think that pretty much sums everything up. Please continue to pray for us. We still have along way to go and still need all the prayers and support we can get!! 

1 year journey of love, loss, and healing

        Wow!!! 1 year!!! I cannot believe that 1 year ago our lives changed forever. We have come so far in the past year and its thanks to our faith in God, our families, and our friends for loving us, praying for us, and being there for us!!! I truly do not know how people get through trials and heartache like this without that kind of support. 

        As I write this I can't help but think back to the events that were going on a year ago today!!! I know I was in shock and numb to the events of that day, but I remember thinking and even saying how are we going to go on without our baby?'.....'Are we ever going to be happy again?'......I'm not going to say its been easy because this last year has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through and I'm not going to say I've found complete happiness again... Because my 'happiness' has changed...but we have made it through. This past year has brought the important things in life in perspective and made me realize that worrying about 'petty' things is a waste of time. Cody and I have grown closer together and stronger in our faith. As much as I've tried to understand the 'Whys?', I've accepted I'll never know, but I've made it my personal mission in life to make sure that Tinlee's life served a purpose and that her name leaves a positive influence on others. 

       Tinlee has changed me. In some ways for the better and in some ways for the worse. I think that I will be a better mom because of what I went through with her.... Shes made me appreciate life and made me realize that I'll never take my children for granted. She's made me have to lean more on others and realize I can't do it all by myself......she's helped me become very open about my feelings and even strong enough to share our story on TV;)....In other ways the pain of losing her has made me put a wall of protection up around my heart because I don't want to hurt like that again...I seem to be constantly on edge about things and even get scared when I get around other babies because I don't want to cry or hurt for my baby....(however, this part is getting better thanks to understanding friends).                 

       Not a single day goes by that I don't think of Tinlee or wonder what her life would be like today. We should be celebrating her 1st birthday today, not sending her balloons up to Heaven. I know Tinlee has impacted a lot of people and she will continue too. That makes me proud as her mom. Her little brother will know all about his big sister and how special she was to a lot of people;). I hope he is 

proud of her like we are. 

                         

      "Dear Tinlee,

               Happy Birthday baby!! Mommy wishes she could be showering you with presents and cake today, but I know you are having a much bigger party in Heaven. I wish I could give you a big a hug and tell you how much I love you. You're going to have a baby brother in a few short months that I can't wait to tell all about you. Please know your daddy and I talk about you everyday and think about you every hour. I hope you're partying hard up there today ;). 

                                                  I love you to the moon and back,

                                                                    Mommy"

                  "Grief leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Pregnancy Journey 2nd Trimester

Hard to believe I'm already in my 2nd trimester. This pregnancy seems to be flying by... I just hope it stays that way! Physically I'm feeling pretty good. Still dealing with nausea and tiredness, but overall pretty good. Emotionally , this pregnancy has been different and emotional. I really am trying to stay positive, but its just so hard at times. I'm slowly getting more and more excited, but its an everyday struggle. I know my God is in control, but the fear of the unknown gets the best of me at times. Cody has been so good during this pregnancy and is so positive and encouraging. I'm very blessed to have him by my side. 

Next month will be 1 year since we lost Tinlee. This past year has gone by so fast!! We have grown so much and changed in many many ways!! My perspective on life and other things have changed greatly. I don't want to go into this much right now bc I want to blog about it next month. But please remember me and our families as we go through the next few weeks. Anxiety of this pregnancy plus coming up on Tinlees 1 year can be a little emotional. Thank you so much for all of the support, love, and prayers you've given to us and please continue!!!

Mothers Day

For some mothers, Mothers Day is a difficult day because either a mother has passed or our child has passed!! I miss my Tinlee everyday, but I get comfort in knowing that shes happy playing in Heaven!! I found this poem and wanted to share.

A real mom is made of more than what 

is done on Earth.

A real mom carried life, even if they

Never gave birth.

A real mom might swing her child or

Pull them in a cart.

A real mom might have only carried 

her child in her heart.

A real mom might celebrate birthdays

With presents, balloons & cake.

A real mom might decorate her child's 

Grave even when it's more than she

Can take.

A real mom is more than what is said 

On Mothers Day.

A real mom loves her child even when

They've gone away.

A real mom is always a mother,

Whether a child is alive or is at rest.

To your child, angel or not, as their

Mom you are the best.

by Leslie Matteson (4/28/11)

Our Little Blessing

          What a huge blessing Cody and I have to announce. WE ARE HAVING A BABY!! It's been 10 months since our sweet Tinlee has gone to be with Jesus. Most people know that as soon as were medically released we started trying to get pregnant again. We have known for a few weeks that we are pregnant. The first week or so I was over the moon excited about having another baby. Then the fear set in. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared!! I'm scared of losing another baby and I'm scared of feeling that pain again.  I do want to say at this point that Cody and I have full trust in God through this, but we are human and still scared. I've already had some people tell me to just not think of what happened with Tinlee. My comment to that is I don't ever want to forget what happened with Tinlee and how do you not think of it?? Some of my feelings have really surprised me, because I thought when we got pregnant that it would bring our joy completely back, but it's such a mixture of emotions and feelings. If you see me crying or looking sad, please don't think I'm not excited and happy about this sweet baby, because Im so happy and excited that I dont want anything to happen....but this pregnancy is just different and a little more stressful. Our goal during this pregnancy is to keep our excitement above our anxiety. 

         We heard the heartbeat for the first time last week and it was such a bittersweet moment. It brought back a lot of memories from Tinlee and a lot of emotions from everything combined. My doctor talked to us for a long time that morning and informed us that we will be watched a lot closer this time around. I will have a lot more tests and a lot more visits with the doctor, which we are very grateful about. He also informed us that this pregnancy will be stressful, but that it is completely normal after what we have been through. 

       I want to ask you to pray for us. We have had such an amazing support system over the past 10 months and I ask that you don't give up on us yet. Please pray for Cody and I and our entire families. Everyone is on edge with this pregnancy and we just want to all have positive thoughts. Pray that we have strength to get through this pregnancy and that everything goes smoothly and at the end we have a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat!!!! We pray that this time we get our Happy Ending!!!   

       I also want to say that I was dreading Mothers Day this year. It's still a very bittersweet day, because I miss my sweet Tinlee, but I'm excited about our new addition. Our new baby is due in December!!! Gods timing is always perfect......we get to announce our blessing on Mothers Day and we will have a baby in our arms on Christmas!! 

   

                     "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my                  

                mothers womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship 

                            is marvelous-how well I know it".    Psalm 139:13-14 (NLT)

      

Easter without my little Bunny

I haven't written in awhile now!! I've had alot of people email, text, or call to check up on us, so I thought it was time to write another post. Cody and I are doing pretty good, we are in the process of painting and doing a little redecorating to our house, so that is keeping our minds busy. I have many people ask me if we are trying to get pregnant again. So, here is the answer....YES!!! We have been reminded over the past several months that God is in control and everything happens in His time. Those of you that know me, know that I'm not the most patient person in the world;). So waiting is not easy for me. I know that our time and our happiness will come, but sometimes it's just so hard to wait. I want to take it in my own hands and start doing whatever is necessary to make everything happen RIGHT NOW!!! But that's just not how things work. The doctors keep telling us to be patient, so that is what we are trying to do;) Cody is much better at that than I am. I do struggle with questions like 'Why?'...and 'why haven't I gotten pregnant yet?'.....but I just don't know the answer. I think that Cody and I would be great parents and that we would raise a baby in a good strong Christian home....and I see families all the time that abuse their babies and yet they have 8 kids.....It just blows my mind!!!! I'm just venting some frustrations. Bottom line, I know God knows the desires of our hearts and that one day we will get a sweet blessing!!!!
Today I went shopping to get the rest of our Easter outfits. While I was in the store I walked past this mom pushing a little girl and trying to pick out her Easter dress. I literally thought I was going to lose it right there in the middle of the store. I was not expecting my reaction to be what it was. My stomach dropped and I suddenly remembered that I won't be picking out an Easter outfit for my baby, because she's not here for me to dress up. I cannot explain to you the pain and emptiness that slapped me in the face and gut at that moment. I guess I've just done my best to avoid those situations and those thoughts that when I walked up on that I just wasn't expecting to see what I saw. Uggghhhh....sometimes the pain and grief hits you when you least expect it. I dread living with that the rest of my life. Needless to say I quickly got what I needed and left.
Thanks again for everyone that keeps in touch with us and continues to pray for us!!! We have changed because of what we have lost, but we have become stronger because of what we have learned.

Life since Christmas

Well..... Life since Christmas has been busy. On our way back from our New Years trip to Kansas City we got a phone call that Codys grandpa passed away unexpectantly. As soon as we got back we were busy for about 5 days with funeral arrangements. It was a very sad time for Cody because it brought back so many emotions from losing Tinlee. It did give Cody peace in knowing that his grandpa was with his baby girl. Over the past 7 months Cody has been the one that has been strong for us.....when his grandpa passed I was the one that had to step up and be strong for him. I wasn't sure I had the strength to do that, but I did it and we made it through!!

I can't believe that is has almost been 7 months since Tinlee passed away. I feel that we have come so far in our grieving process. I have learned so many things about myself, Cody, and even others through this journey. I've gained many many friends through this journey and lost some friends due to them being uncomfortable around me. I've definitely learned to not sweat the small stuff and to not fret over petty things. We have received so many blessings through this process. I told my mom the other day that I know we have received blessings, but I'm very ready for the big blessing, and that's to get pregnant. I know it will happen in Gods time. I wish I could explain to those that do not know how I feel the desire inside of me to be pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy, deliver a healthy screaming baby, and be a mommy here on earth. Some may not like me being so vocal about my desires, but this blog is about my journey and this is part of the journey I'm on. Ive struggled with depression more the past 3 weeks than I have the past 7 months. I don't know if things are settling down more or what, but it's like an unconscious depression, if that makes any sense. One thing I know is that God has proven Himself to me multiple times lately and I know He will continue to. I was told recently that I was chosen. Chosen by God to go through this journey because He knew that others would be touched and that I could handle it  That melted my heart when I heard that. I've had people ask me just this week, "how do you do it?" "how are you so strong?". I look at them and tell them that every bit of my strength came from God. There is no way in this world that I could of done this on my own. A friend emailed me this week and reminded me of a song that made her think of me..... "He's all I need today. For whatever comes my way, He is faithful. He gives me strength today, for anything I have to face, He is able--to calm my fears and make my answers clear. He's all I need today!". I've had that little song in my head for a few days now. We may never know why things happen to us here on earth, but we do know that we have HOPE...... HOPE for happiness and many blessings to come.

The LORD will work out His plans for my life--for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. 

Psalm 138:8(NLT)