What I've Learned from Tinlee

    I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything, but we have been pretty busy lately (or at least trying to keep ourselves busy).  Last week was a pretty good week for us, there were a couple of "rough" days in there for us, but we always manage to make it through those bad days with prayer and support from each other. God always seems to give us a "good" day after our "bad" days......One thing that kept upsetting me last week is I know that people have to go on with their lives and that some people may have already forgotten about Tinlee, and that just crushes me inside!!! I want so badly for the entire world to be touched by Tinlee ( I know that is a little extreme..haha), but I want her life to continue touching other peoples lives for many many years....
   
    Wow!! The things that I have learned from my little girl. She has taught me so much in her short life. One of my biggest weaknesses is patience!!! That is one thing I have learned and am still learning through this entire adventure. Cody and I have had to be patient and wait for results from tests, wait for my body to heal, and still waiting to see what our future holds. We are also learning to trust God more. I was reminded over the past several weeks that I am not in control of what happens in my life...GOD is in control!!! HE is in control of our future and He knows what our future holds. One of the biggest things I have learned is LOVE!!! I never thought I could love something as much as I love Tinlee!! From the moment we found out I was pregnant, I loved that little baby inside of me!!! I have had several people tell me that we will "love" and "appreciate" our next baby even more!! At first my mind could not fathom loving another child even more, but now I get that statement!!! I know that I will appreciate our next child even more!! I won't take the little things for granted....Tinlee has shown me an even bigger picture of what LOVE really is and I thank her for that. She has made me look at the "brighter" and more "positive" side to things.
    
     Yesterday our entire church service was on HOPE....HOPE for our future!!!! I know the main point was that when we are in bad situations that we always have HOPE that we will see our Heavenly Father one day. As I was sitting there listening I started tearing up at the thought of seeing our Heavenly Father, but also at the thought of seeing my baby girl. I imagined for so long what she would look like when she was born and what she would look like when she was older....I know what she looked like when she was born, but I am going to have to continue waiting to see what she will look like when she is older....but one day I WILL get to see her and I long for that moment everyday!!!

    Thank you for reading my blogs!! I hope you continue to enjoy them and I hope they aren't too depressing to read:) Please please please continue to pray for Cody and I and our families. We need prayers everyday, because even though I know everyone else has gone on with their lives, we are still trying to figure out how to go on with ours without Tinlee. In everything that we do we think that Tinlee is suppose to be doing these things with us and she's not!!! The holidays are coming up quickly, and to be perfectly honest I am not looking forward to them this year!! I had pictured our holidays this year being so exciting and even more fun because we would have a little baby to play with. I love you all and thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers!!

 

"Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us. The Scriptures give us patience and encouragement so that we can have hope."

Romans 15: 4

Questions

         I have been raised in a Christian home my entire life and I know all the "right" Christian answers, but nothing makes you question things more than when you go through something tragic in your life. Before I get started on all the questions that I have asked myself and that other people have asked me, I want to say this......I know Tinlee is in Heaven, I know I will see her again one day, and I know that there is a reason for everything that happens!!!
      Ok.....so one thing I have wondered is what are babies in Heaven? I have actually been asked this many many times through this experience. It's a question that you don't think about much until something like this happens to you. I don't think that she is a baby in Heaven, but what is she? I know here on earth nobody knows the "real" answer to that. Some people think we are all around the same age, some think there are children and adults in Heaven. For my own peace of mind, I like to picture her has a small toddler girl with blonde ringlets running around and playing with the other children and sitting on Jesus's lap. I know in the Bible it says how much Jesus loves all the little children (yes, I know that is a song as well), but I like to think of her in that way.
       Another question that I have struggled with is why?? why babies?? why let me carry her 35 weeks and then take her away?? The only answer I can come up with is that there is a reason. I'm not sure I will ever know that reason on this side of eternity...but I wonder that quite often. Someone told me that Tinlee would not of touched as many people if she was not around for 35 weeks. Tinlee's life was for a purpose and as long as I am living I will always make sure that her life is remembered and honored so that she continues to touch lives for years to come. That's my comfort!!
    I have had to turn some of my selfish questions into "What am I suppose to learn from this tragedy?" I have to try and quit asking God "WHY?" and start asking Him "WHAT NOW?". If I keep asking why? (which believe me, I still struggle with this one) then I will keep going backwards.... I know we will find our happiness in life again. We are starting to see happier days, but we still hurt so bad at the same time. Cody and I tell each other that Tinlee would want us to be happy. She would not want us sad and depressed. We are not sad and depressing people and our Hope is finding that joy again in our lives, and I know that we will one day!! OUR STORY ISN'T OVER...WE WILL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING!!!!
   Well, I am off to the cemetary to put flowers on Tinlees resting place!!! I still have a hard time saying those words, but it's a part of my life now.........HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you".

Matthew 5:4 (MSG)

What Makes a Mother.....

Someone shared this with me today and as I read it I just sat here and cried because it was so touching and true..I wanted to share it with all of you:)

 

Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you?

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.

I asked "What makes a mother?"

and I know I heard Him say,

"A mother has a baby".

This we know is true.

"But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?"

"Yes you can!!" He replied with confidence in His voice.

"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice....Some I send for a lifetime,and others for the day and some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay".

"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby to be here."

He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear...

 "I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child's smile, with all the other children and hear them say....."

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday.

When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay, I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear,

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

 

"So you see my dear sweet one,  your children are ok.

Your babies are born in my home and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with me until your lessons through.

And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you.

 

So now you see what makes a mother...

It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done.

They'll be up here with me one day and know that you are the best one."

 

 

        I have to say that as I sit here typing this my eyes are blurry from crying. I know I will see Tinlee someday, but right now in this moment I hurt so bad because I want to see her and hold her. I know that is my selfish side, but it's just the truth. I do get comfort in knowing she is in a happy place and this little story reminded me of that. In my devotional this morning, this was the scripture that I read and I know there is HOPE in my future that I WILL see Tinlee again one day and HOPE that while I wait here on earth that my story in life is not over. I know there are happier days to come.....

 

 

"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father encourage you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say. God loved us, and through his grace he gave us a good HOPE and encouragement that continues forever"
2 Thessalonians 2: 16-17



Changes.....

    Cody and I had a good weekend. We got up Saturday morning and thought we would go shopping (something I haven't wanted to do since losing Tinlee). Both of us needed a serious update on shoes and clothes and we knew lots of places were having sales. It was good for us to be out and do something for ourselves.
     Many people don't know this, but one of my struggles is being at home by myself right now. Every morning I get up and I walk into Tinlee's room and I just sit in the chair and look out the window. Most mornings that helps me, but some mornings I just wake up missing her so badly that I just get more upset when I go in her room and picture her in her bed and in her swing. I sit in her room and talk to God and after every prayer I ask Him to give her a big hug for me and to tell her that her momma loves her (now, I realize that may not actually happen like that, but it gives me comfort and makes me feel closer to her). My mom keeps telling me the closer you are to God, the closer you are to Tinlee!! I truly believe that statement.....Even though I may not understand everything here on earth, I know God has a reason for this, and I know that Tinlee's short life was lived for a purpose. Cody and I see some of that purpose everyday just by the cards we are still getting in the mail and the gifts that people are still giving us!!!
      Anyway,  I don't have to be at work until 2pm Monday-Friday, which puts me by myself at home till 1pm.....so every morning I get up, get dressed, and leave the house because if I am there to long by myself I start getting very sad and depressed. I think one thing that might help me is making some changes to my house and to myself. So.....this week I am getting a new hairstyle, Cody is getting a haircut, and so is Sadie :) Then, I want to start on my house. I want to paint and rearrange furniture so that things just look more fresh!! I know that is small things to some people, but I think it will help me be able to stay at home more. I know my husband will be glad about that because since losing Tinlee, I have had very little motivation. I don't know if this is part of grieving or what, but I am not motivated to cook or clean (for those people that really know me, they know this is VERY unlike me). Everyday I try and force myself to do at least one thing I am not motivated to do, even if it is watering a plant. Whatever works, right??
       Someone told me the other day that they never know what to say to me. My response to that is I know that people don't know what to say to me, especially when I am crying!! But, sometimes, just a hug, or a pat on the back, or just telling me that you love me and are praying for us is all I need. I also want to say that I am still Stacy...I may be different now in some ways, but I am still Stacy. I'm just different in that I am a mother that lost a child that has forever changed me!!!

"Keep your head UP. God gives His hardest battles to His strongest Soldiers"

Dear Tinlee,

I have been doing a lot of writing lately... Not just through this blog, but also in a journal at home. I write letters to Tinlee almost everyday. I thought I would share one with you!


Tinlee,

      Today you would be 9 weeks and 1 day old. Mommy and daddy miss you so so much. What we would give to get to hold you, kiss you, change your diapers, and feed you. I imagine you in Heaven right now laughing and playing with the angels. I so wish I could get a glimpse of you right now. I know you are safe and happy, but my mom side would just like to see that for myself. We have started leaving your bedroom door open at home so that it's not so depressing walking down the hallway. We go in there more now since the door is open. Almost every morning I go sit in the chair and have a little moment just thinking about you. You would love your room. Your pop and your daddy spent a lot of time painting it for you and your nana and I spent a lot of time decorating it. We put so much love into making your room the perfect place for you. It's the brightest and prettiest room in the house. You can't help but smile when you look in there.
     Your daddy and I are doing better. When I get sad I think to myself that you would want us to be happy. When I see little babies, especially little girls, that were born around the time you were I can't help but get teary eyed. I see them and think that is the size you are suppose to be. I hope that those parents realize what a blessing they have in their arms. Im so happy for those families, but it makes me miss you so much more. You would of been one styling little girl. You had blingy pacifiers, blingy shoes, and blingy clothes....not to mention all the pink frilly clothes and HUGE hair bows ;). I still don't go through your things....I don't even open your drawers or your closet right now....it's just too hard for me. I'm sure it will be quite some time before I can do any of that.
   It helps me so much to write letters to you. It helps me get all my feelings and thoughts out! We miss you bunches and think about you all the time.
                                                                                                         I love you,
                                                                                                                   Mommy

                    "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we          

                          ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that 

            words cannot express". Romans 8:26

A Different Child

This is a poem that I found and I wanted to share it with everyone......It really hit home with me!!

A Different Child

A different child, people notice

There's a special glow around you.

You grow surrounded by love

Never doubting you are wanted;

Only look at the pride and joy

In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes between the smiles

There's a trace of tears,

One day you'll understand.

You'll understand there was once 

another child.

A different child.

Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.

That child will never keep them up at night.

In face, that child will never be any trouble at all....

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,

When mother and father miss so much

That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly

And may you learn the lesson forever:

How infinitely precious,

How infinitely fragile is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman

You may see another mother's tears

Another father's silent grief

Then you, and you alone will understand

And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost you will tell them

with great compassion:

"I know how you feel. I'm only here because my parents tried again."

PD MacMillan

Our Future

          Many people have asked how we are doing emotionally and how I am doing physically. My response is always "I'm ok!!". Physically I am doing great!! Praise the Lord!!!!! It's been a rough couple of months for my poor body, but I am feeling so much better now that I have in a long time. My weight is down to less than it was before I got pregnant with Tinlee, which has been a combination of my gallbladder surgery and just stress in general. Emotionally we are doing "ok"! This week has been a better week for us than last week. Last week I started back to work and it was emotionally and physically draining for me. Going back to work is good for me because it keeps me busy and keeps my mind off of things for a little while, and it gets me back into a routine of life. It was just hard because it wasn't what we had planned for when I started back to work. I was suppose to be taking Tinlee to childcare and Cody was suppose to be picking her up and spending the evening with her just the 2 of them!! He was so excited about that time with her because he knew she would of been a Daddy's Girl!! So instead of doing what we had planned, I was going to her burial site and spending time with her there before I went to work. I get comfort and peace going to visit her there. It makes me feel like I am doing something for her as her mommy. Cody and I have our good days and bad days. Being at home by myself in the mornings is rough on me because I start getting sad and missing her, and then Saturdays and Sundays are rough on me. Saturday's were the days we were suppose to be together as a family and hanging out in our pajamas and being lazy and Sundays was the day that I was going to get her all dressed up in her dress and hair bows and take her to church as a family. I looked forward to all those moments and now I know that I can't do any of those and it hurts when I think about it. Someone told me that what I am mourning and grieving over are the "dreams" I had with her. And he was right.....the moments that I hurt the most are when I am thinking about what we could be doing with her at this very moment. So when I start thinking about those moments and getting sad I try and think about where she is right now and that gives me comfort. I know she is safe and happy and sweet Tinlee will never feel the hurt and pain that we feel on this earth. I'm very jealous of her because she is experiencing something in her life that I have dreamed about and always wondered about. She is in Heaven and happier than she would ever be here on earth!!

     I want people to always remember Tinlee and I want her name to have a positive impact on other people's lives. I can promise you that I will never stop talking about her and doing things to honor her. She was my baby girl...my sweet daughter....and I could never not celebrate her precious life. Please don't ever be afraid to hug us ask how we are doing!! It's comforting to know that people are still praying for us and haven't forgotten about us. Some people tell us that they don't want to upset us by mentioning her, but I promise you that Tinlee is on our mind 24/7, and hugging us will not upset us!!! We realize that people go on about their lives and we understand that, but we are trying to figure out how to go on with our lives without our baby girl. We know God is taking care of us and we know that He has great things planned for us!!!

     Many have asked us what our plans our now. Well, our hearts desire is to have children and make our family bigger. Our plan is to try and get pregnant as soon as we can. My doctors have all released me, so we are just leaving it in God's hands. Through this entire journey that we have been on we have been reminded that things don't always happen how we have planned, that it's in God's timing. So, Lord Willing....God will let us conceive a child in the near future. God knows the desires of our hearts and we know that He will provide in His timing.

God's way is perfect. All the LORD's promises prove true.

Psalm 18:30