The entire time I was pregnant, I had always imagined what my "birth story" would be like. I never imagined for my story to be like this. Since I am doing this blog in memory of Tinlee and to write about our journey through tragedy, healing, and the rest of our lives, I couldn't skip over writing about Tinlee's Birth Story. This is a part of our lives that has changed the course of our lives forever.
I woke up Monday morning, July 2 to the normal routine of feeling Tinlee kick around in my belly. I was actually at home on bedrest that day so once I got out of bed, I took a shower and was going to move my "bedrest" to the couch. While in the shower I felt a pain in my stomach, but just assumed it was a contraction because I had been having them for a few days now (which is why I was on bedrest). Later that evening, Cody's family was coming over to celebrate my birthday. I remember before everyone got here telling Cody that I hadn't felt her move in awhile. Neither of us really thought much about it because we were told that when your body is getting ready to go into labor that you won't feel your baby move as much. But, I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. I had called my mom and she suggested I drink a Coke and eat something sweet and then lay on my side for awhile and see if she starts moving then. After everyone left my house that night I drank my Coke, ate something sweet, and laid down for awhile. After about 30 minutes of laying down and not feeling her move we decided to call my doctor and see what they suggested. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for that Tuesday with Dr. Sellers and I wasn't sure if I was just being paranoid and should just wait for my appointment or go to the hospital just to get peace after hearing her heartbeat. The doctor said I can do whatever I felt, that not feeling her move later in pregnancy does slow down, but if I wanted peace then to go to the hospital. I actually laid back down for about 10 more minutes and finally told Cody, "Let's go to the hospital!!". Earlier that day we had put the carseat in the car and packed our bags just in case I went into labor early. So, we put the bags in the car and headed to the hospital about 11:00 on that Monday night. We decided on the way there that we wouldn't bother our families until we found out what was going on. We sort of assumed that we might be having her that night. We got in the room and the nurse hooked me up to the monitor and started looking for Tinlee's heartbeat. I was just laying there calmly waiting to hear that fast thumping or her little heart start racing away. After about 2 mintues of looking, the nurse said "I can't find her heartbeat". I told her "Well keep looking, it's in there!!". She went and got the ultrasound machine to see if she could see her moving that way. When Tinlee's sweet little body showed up on the ultrasound, she was as still as could be. Since I work in Radiology and know a little something about ultrasounds, I knew something was bad wrong. I looked at Cody and he was white as a ghost. I told him that he needs to go call our parents and get them here. Within about 5 minutes I had about 4 nurses in my room searching around on my belly trying as hard as they could to find her heartbeat, but nothing. Within another 5 minutes they had us quickly moved to a delivery room and told us the doctor would be here shortly. Cody crawled in bed with me and we just broke down together. We were still waiting for 100% confirmation from the doctor and the ultrasound tech, but we knew deep down what the answer was going to be. We knew our little Tinlee had gone to be with Jesus. However, it still didn't seem real. The doctor came in and sat on the bed with us and talked to us, telling us that he didn't expect to see anything different with the "real" ultrasound. While we were waiting for ultrasound to get there Cody's family arrived first. Of course everyone was in complete shock and the moment was very emotional. Soon after the ultrasound tech got there, the doctor asked everyone to leave so we could have privacy and that's where the doctor confirmed to us that there was no heartbeat. He asked us if at the point we wanted to go home and let the news sink in or deliver her today. Well, there was NO WAY I was leaving that hospital until I delivered her. I quickly told him we would stay. Then it hit me.....I had to do the most impossible thought EVER....I had to deliver my baby with no heartbeat!!! How was I suppose to do that??? In the midst of tears with Cody and I, I asked the doctor if he could just do a c-section to cut her out and he said "No!!", he said my body need to go through the process of delivery in order to release hormones. Of course at the time I didn't really care about all that, but we didn't have much of an option. They didn't start inducing me for another 3 hours in order for us to see family, friends, and sort of let the news settle in a little bit. By this time it was after 1 in the morning. My family got there right after the ultrasound and broke down with us as well. It just didn't seem real. Questions were flooding our heads like "Why?" "What happened?" "How did this happen?" Why us?".....In the meantime, the rest of our families started showing up, my brother and his wife were on their way from Kansas City, MO, our friends from Mississippi were on their way, and friends were showing up for support. At 4am they gave me the medicine to start inducing me. The doctor told me that it would take at least 10 hours and probably longer before I would be ready for delivery. Honestly, I didn't care how long it took, because I knew I didn't want to push her out, because I knew what that moment would mean. That was an EXTREMELY long day for our families and friends. I still to this day do not know who all came to the hospital. I know there were 3 waiting rooms full of people coming in and out all day. I pretty much only let family come back to the room because the situation was just a very sad and heartbreaking situation and I just couldn't keep reliving the emotions everytime someone came in. Plus, they were giving me lots of medicine to relax me so that I could try and get some rest. Once I was dilated to 3cm, they suggested that I get an epidural. I actually wasn't even really hurting and didn't want the epidural, but my sweet nurses sat down with me and encouraged me to get one because the pain would come and there was no need in my feeling anything. So, I agreed and got the epidural. About 2 hours after I got the the epidural, Dr. Sellers came in to check on me. He suggested that we go ahead and break my water to get the process moving a little faster. He told me after he broke my water that everything looked good. Because of my situation, he was hoping that when he broke the water that there would be something to show maybe why this was happening, but everything was fine. Once my water broke, it didn't take 3 hours and I was dilated to a 10. However, sweet Tinlee wasn't ready and was sitting to high in my belly, so they sat me up for 2 hours to try and get her to drop down a little more so that I wouldn't have to push as long. Once I started pushing I pushed for 2.5 hours. I think mentally it was very hard for me to push her out, plus I was so emotionally exhausted from the day. Before I started pushing I told Cody that we could not cry during the pushing because I wouldn't have the strength to deliver her. We did good during that 2.5 hours because we never cried!!! At 6:47pm on July 3, a beautiful blonde headed little girl was born weighing 4 pounds 2 ounces, and was 17 inches long. The moment that she was born and they laid her on top of me is when I broke down. I wanted so badly to hear her cry....I begged the doctor to make her cry!!! I was so broken and all I wanted in that moment was to hold my crying baby girl!!! After she was born the nurses gave her a bath, put her in the cute outfit I had bought her, and handed her to me. There was a photographer there taking pictures thru the delivery and was going to take pictures of Tinlee after she was born. Once all of that was over they let all of our family and friends come back and see her. Anyone that wanted to hold her could hold her. Everyone stayed for about 3 hours with us and Tinlee. Once they all left Cody and I got to spend time with her, just the 3 of us!! That is a moment I will never forget!! All thru my pregnancy I dreamed of watching Cody hold her and bond with her. I was thankful that we got even that little bit of time with her. She was a beautiful baby with blonde curly hair and blue eyes. In her short little life of 35 weeks she has touched so many lives and left her footprints on so many people's heart!!
We love you so much Tinlee.....
