The Year 2012

   Every year at Christmas on my family's side we write a letter about our year. This year my letter was very difficult to write. I knew that I couldn't ignore how our year went because it was such a huge part of our lives. Soooo..... I will share a little bit of what I shared in that letter.

    The first 6 months of 2012 started off exciting and happy and the last 6 months ended with grieving and pain. The first 6 months started off with planning for a baby, decorating the nursery, and getting ready to welcome our little girl into the world. We were so excited about having a baby and starting the next chapter of our lives. Little did we know what the next chapter would actually be...... On July 2 our world changed when we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat and on July 3 our worse nightmare became even more true when I delivered her. Tinlee entered the world quietly and entered the gates of Heaven laughing and having the time of her life. On July 6 we laid our little girls "shell" to rest. Those were the hardest days of our lives.
   I remember while laying in the hospital bed that I was determined that this would not be the end of my life. I told Cody that I did not want this to have a negative effect on our lives. God blessed Tinlee with us for only a short while, but her life was for a purpose. She was our daughter, granddaughter, niece, great granddaughter, cousin, and friend. I wanted this to bring us closer, make us stronger, and to make sure her life had meaning. I had no earthly idea how much her little life would impact other people. We have been so touched and shocked at the same time with how much support we have received through this journey and how big of a response we have gotten on everything we have done to honor Tinlee. We have received almost 300 pictures of how people wrote Tinlees name, 60 candles lit in memory of Tinlee on National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, over 250 ornaments for Tinlees Tree, almost $5000 raised for Tinlees Top for the playground at church, and enough money donated to Children's Hospital that Tinlee will get a plaque with her name on it in the foyer of the hospital. There is also a way to tell when someone from other countries have read my blog, plus I've received emails from people that I don't know from other countries that have read our story. This is so comforting to us just knowing that our story is being spread all over the world. We pray that many lives are touched and changed by our journey.
  We have realized that we werent the only ones grieving Tinlee, but so many close to us grieved her as well. We are so thankful for everyone that has helped us cope, sat with us, babysat me (haha), cried with us, prayed for us, sent us gifts and cards, and just simple hugged us. 
   We hope and pray that the year 2013 is a fresh start that is filled with many blessings. Tinlee will never ever be forgotten and I will never quit talking or writing about her. Tinlee has changed my life, changed my view on things, and taught me about what's important. Thank you for allowing me to open up and share my journey with you. I hope we have happy news in the future to share. We wish everyone a Happy Happy Happy New Year!!!!!

Emptiness During the Holidays

     Christmas for the Dreher family was busy for the most part. I've heard several times over the last several months that the holidays are the worse. So, I put in my head that I'm just going to keep moving forward and not dwell to much on what we were missing this year. WELL....... That didn't go quite as planned. I almost think I tried to hard not to think about it that all it did was upset me more.....I'm not sure what happened but from about 2 weeks before Christmas up until Christmas Day I was so emotional and down. I felt like I struggled with fighting depression more than ever.......I did not like the emptiness and darkness I was feeling inside. In one of my bible studies it talked about how God ministers to us the most thru suffering. That hit me hard!! It made me long for the day when the suffering stops and the pain goes away. The thing that gets me thru the struggles is hope....
    Cody and I kept busy in order to keep our mind on other things. Some days it worked and other days it didn't. Everyone has been so supportive of us through the holidays and we are so thankful for the prayers, the many many cards, email messages, and text messages. Little things like that help more than you know because it's just a reminder that people care and haven't forgotten about us. I know I wrote this on my Facebook but I got a message that said "Jesus came into this world as a baby to change THE world and Tinlee came as a baby and changed OUR world". That was touching to me to think about and so very true. Jesus came into the world so that He could die on a cross for our sins so that one day we could be saved and spend our eternal life in Heaven with Him. Tinlee came into the world to show me what love is, remind me that God is in control, and to show me the true meaning of hope. She has not only touched and changed my life, but she has touched and changed many lives all over the country.
   Christmas Eve and the couple of days before were very busy. Cody and I were running all over the place celebrating Christmas with families. Thanks to a friends idea, every place we went we took a candle to light in memory of her. I'm not sure everyone was comfortable with the candle, but it was something that brought us comfort and peace, so we did it anyway. Throughout the day though we had many laughs, a few quite moments with tears, and a lot of talk about the past year and our hopes for the New Year. Christmas Day was a little different.......I had the mindset to make it as normal as possible....well that went down the drain at 3am on Christmas morning!! For some reason I woke up early and laid in bed thinking about how things should be and what other families were doing that morning with their kids........(I try not to do that often because it's not healthy, but I just couldn't help it that day)......then I got to thinking about those poor families in CT that were waking up that morning without their sweet babies and all of the other families that I know that we're hurting because of lost babies and loved ones, and I realized that we weren't alone and that our situation could be much worse. I was sort of blah all day Christmas Day. Cody and I ended up going home just the 2 of us that day for a few hours because I just didn't want to be around people. I just needed a moment just to chill and get refocused. Later that day we went to my parents before the snow storm hit to hang out until the power went out. After that Cody and I went home..... Usually the snow always makes me smile and feel all warm and cozy inside, but this year it didn't. I literally walked in Tinlee's room, pulled her Christmas outfit out of the closet (which is a first because I never get in her closet), and sat in the chair and just cried......I haven't cried that hard in a long time..... I sat there and talked to God and asked Him for comfort and asked Him to hug my baby girl for me..... Then I remembered that it was still Jesus' birthday.....and that Tinlee was having a much better Christmas than any of us here on earth and that I needed to get my sad self up and be thankful that she is healthy and happy and having a good ole time playing on the playground in Heaven. Not to sound overly spiritual, but I did get a lot of comfort in knowing she was having a party in Heaven with Jesus that day and with all the other little children that she is with. 
    I told my family that I was doing pretty good in my grieving until the holidays hit and I feel like I just kind of got put on hold. I don't feel that I went backwards, I just feel like I stood still and didn't go anywhere. Like I just went thru the motions and floated thru the holidays. Needless to say we are very very ready for the New Year. I know our problems won't go away, but it will at least feel like a fresh start. 
Someone sent me this quote and I thought it was very sweet.....

"Babies lost in the womb-Were NEVER touched by fear, they were NEVER cold, NEVER hungry, NEVER alone & importantly ALWAYS knew love"

'Twas 11 days before Christmas

This was a poem someone from worked sent me......

'Twas 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38

When 20 beautiful children stormed through Heavens gates. 

Their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air

They could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there. 

They were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say,

They remembered nothing of what happened earlier that day. 

"Where are we?" asked a little girl, as quite as a mouse. 

"This is Heaven." declared a small boy. 

" We're spending Christmas at Gods house."

When what to their wondering eyes did appear,

But Jesus, their Savior, the children gathered near. 

He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same. 

Then He opened His arms and He called them by name. 

And in that moment was joy, that only Heaven can bring,

Those children all flew into the arms of their King

And as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,

One small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face. 

And as if He could read all the questions she had,

He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."

Then He looked down on earth, the world far below

He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe. 

Then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,

"Let My power and prescience re-enter this land!"

"May this country be delivered from the hands of fools."

"I'm taking back MY nation. I'm taking back my schools!" 

Then He and the children stood up without a sound. 

"Come now my children, let me show you around."

Excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran,

All displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can. 

And I heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,

"In the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt Wolf, PA

This poem gave me chills...... Just the thought of that moment in Heaven makes me smile. 

Christmas in Heaven

I found this poem online and I wanted to share it with you..... I feel like this is exactly what Tinlee is telling me......

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees. 

Around the world below,

With tiny lights, like heaven's stars,

Reflecting on the snow. 

The sight is so spectacular,

Please wipe away that tear. 

For I'm spending Christmas 

With Jesus Christ this year. 

I hear the many Christmas songs,

That people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can't compare,

With the Christmas choir up here. 

For I have no words to tell you,

The joy their voices bring. 

For it is beyond description,

To hear an angel sing 

I cant tell you of the splendor,

Or the peace here in this place. 

Can you just imagine Christmas,

With our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your Spirit,

As I tell Him of your love;

So then pray for one another,

As you lift your eyes above. 

Please let your hearts be joyful,

And let your spirit sing. 

For I'm spending Christmas in Heavem,

And I'm walking with the King!

I know how much you miss me;

I see the pain inside your heart. 

But I'm not so far away,

We really aren't apart. 

So be happy for me, dear ones,

You know I hold you dear,

And be glad I'm spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year. 

I send you each a special gift

From my heavenly home above. 

I send you each a memory

Of my undying love. 

After all " love" is the gift,

More precious than pure gold. 

It was always most important

In the stories Jesus told. 

Please love and keep each other 

As my Father said to do,

For I can't count the blessings

Or the love He has for you. 

So have a Merry Christmas and

Wipe away that tear. 

Remember I'm spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year!

-Author Unknown

Helping Others

In an effort to honor Tinlee and bless others during the holiday season, Cody and I will be collecting items to donate to an organization in Conway called Life Choices. It is a pro-life organization that helps pregnant women in need and that also share the Gospel with everyone they help. Their website is www.lifechoicesinc.org if you would like more information about this organization. Here is a list of items they need to help these families:

• Onesies (newborn, 0-3 mths)
• Sleepers or Gowns (newborn or 0-3 mths)
• Socks (0-6 mths)
• Receiving blankets
• New bottles (4oz or 8 oz)
• Baby wash, lotion, shampoo, powder
• Disposable diapers (newborn or size 1)
• New pacifiers
• Bibs, socks
• Washcloths
• Small stuffed animals
• Box of baby wipes

They even accept gently used baby items (0-12 mths), maternity clothes, and larger baby items like strollers and swings, etc.  Also gift cards are an option and Cody and I can go purchase items to take.

We have received so much support through everyone that loves us that I wanted to extend this out to you instead of just our families. If you feel lead to give please feel free to get any item on the list and give to me, Cody, Credonna, or my mom by Jan. 1, 2012. If u live in Mississippi and want to help you can drop anything off at Pat Whitakers house. We will be seeing them over the New Year. Thank you in advance for all of your support. We pray that this will be a blessing to you as well as to the families it will help. 

Heavy Heart

    I'm so heavy hearted tonight and I just need to vent!!! I know God has a plan, but sometimes I just don't understand!! I want to say that I am deeply sorry for all those hurting right now, no matter what it may be sometimes it gets hard to trust Him when you are doubting at the same time. Im just opening my heart and being honest. My prayer everyday is that my doubts will turn into praises very soon. I'm starting to just accept that I'll never know why I lost Tinlee....however, I tell people all the time that I may not know what His plan was on this side of eternity, but I will do everything in my power to make sure I do things in honor of her to bless other peoples life so that I see the good that comes out of her little life. I will make sure that people never forget her and that she continues touching lives as long as I am living on this earth!!!! While I'm talking about this, I just have to say this.....I was told that I need to start "letting go and not do things in honor of her like she's living here on earth"!!!! I literally about blew a gasket! I think smoke was coming out of my ears! I told that person that if they didn't want to be a part of my life and anything I do for my daughter then they need to hit the road!!! Tinlee is a part of me and a part of who I am and ANYONE that can't accept that or accept the things I do can just unfriend me..... Whewww... Sorry if that sounds ugly but I just can't deal with people like that.. I feel like they are disrespting Tinlee. 
      So, to go back a couple of weeks, my trip to DC was good!! I enjoyed seeing my friend and spending time with her precious girls. They were such a blessing to be around. I told my friend that I struggled the most being around her youngest, a 3 year old!  I struggled in a good way because that's the size and age that I like to think that Tinlee is in Heaven. I would watch her play and invision Tinlee playing like that with the other children in Heaven!!
     Now for why I'm so heavy hearted tonight. The past week has been up and down for me and my family. I think we are all very ready to get thru the holidays. We know the reason and the true meaning of Christmas, but we also know that it's a special time to enjoy with family and friends and it's just different this year. We have all been trying to keep each others spirits up. It seems like every day it's a different one of us thats having a bad day. So please pray for us right now and the weeks to come. On top of trying to keep ourselves afloat I've heard of 4 other families that have lost babies in the past 2 weeks. One a miscarriage, one a stillborn that I don't know how many weeks, one at 33 weeks, and another after birth! I DON'T understand!! I don't know how to comfort these families because I'm still figuring it out myself. I want to go hug them and tell them it's not a fun journey and that it plain sucks!!! I want to tell them to rely on God, their family, each other, and their friends! I know that doesn't bring their baby back or take their pain away, but I feel that it would help. 
      Have families been losing babies like this all along? Or am I just more aware because its happened to me? Or is something wrong with the water? Ha....seriously though!! What is going on?? It seems like one bad thing after another. So many people are hurting!! My heart just breaks every time I hear of something so tragic and even though I know it's Gods plan I still look up and ask, "Why God?". 
I told someone today to tell this family that Tinlee was showing her baby girl around Heaven as we speak. If she was anything like me (bossy and voicetress) (and yes that is a word...the dictionary says it is "one who speaks what she is thinking in any given situation")... Haha.....totally me!!  Anyway, if she is anything like me then she is greeting all these little babies at the pearly gates and showing them the "ins" and "outs" of Heaven ;). Picturing that makes me proud and makes me smile!! I know my little thoughts don't bring everyone comfort but it brings me comfort. 
     This holiday season is so different in so many ways and it seems that so many people are broken this year. Please remember these families. I can't say their names, even though I'm sure they wouldn't mind, but I know they would appreciate prayer. We feel your prayers daily and we know thats what gets us out of bed and living life. Please please dont stop! Many families will be spending their holiday mornings reading the Christmas story in the Bible to their children, opening gifts, and enjoying family. Others will be visiting their loved ones at the cemetery and imagining what their Christmas would be like if things were different. Don't take your babies for granted no matter their age. Life could change in an instant. 
Sorry about the venting. I do know that God has a plan, it's just hard to understand and accept sometimes. Especially when you are being selfish and would rather have your loved one here rather than in Heaven. I know God will see me through this journey and I look forward to hearing Him say "Well done, my good child, well done. ". And then I can run into the arms of my sparkly princess ( yes I'm streaming tears down my face onto my iPad at that thought) and hug her for eternity. We are different because she was a part of our lives and we are different because we lost her and we hope that we can help others with how this has changed us. 

P.S. I hope you all enjoyed our Christmas Card. I know it was hard for some to read, but we just had to do something special this year without ignoring what has happened to us. 

"The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter"

Psalm 30:5 (The Message)