Many people don't know this, but one of my struggles is being at home by myself right now. Every morning I get up and I walk into Tinlee's room and I just sit in the chair and look out the window. Most mornings that helps me, but some mornings I just wake up missing her so badly that I just get more upset when I go in her room and picture her in her bed and in her swing. I sit in her room and talk to God and after every prayer I ask Him to give her a big hug for me and to tell her that her momma loves her (now, I realize that may not actually happen like that, but it gives me comfort and makes me feel closer to her). My mom keeps telling me the closer you are to God, the closer you are to Tinlee!! I truly believe that statement.....Even though I may not understand everything here on earth, I know God has a reason for this, and I know that Tinlee's short life was lived for a purpose. Cody and I see some of that purpose everyday just by the cards we are still getting in the mail and the gifts that people are still giving us!!!
Anyway, I don't have to be at work until 2pm Monday-Friday, which puts me by myself at home till 1pm.....so every morning I get up, get dressed, and leave the house because if I am there to long by myself I start getting very sad and depressed. I think one thing that might help me is making some changes to my house and to myself. So.....this week I am getting a new hairstyle, Cody is getting a haircut, and so is Sadie :) Then, I want to start on my house. I want to paint and rearrange furniture so that things just look more fresh!! I know that is small things to some people, but I think it will help me be able to stay at home more. I know my husband will be glad about that because since losing Tinlee, I have had very little motivation. I don't know if this is part of grieving or what, but I am not motivated to cook or clean (for those people that really know me, they know this is VERY unlike me). Everyday I try and force myself to do at least one thing I am not motivated to do, even if it is watering a plant. Whatever works, right??
Someone told me the other day that they never know what to say to me. My response to that is I know that people don't know what to say to me, especially when I am crying!! But, sometimes, just a hug, or a pat on the back, or just telling me that you love me and are praying for us is all I need. I also want to say that I am still Stacy...I may be different now in some ways, but I am still Stacy. I'm just different in that I am a mother that lost a child that has forever changed me!!!
"Keep your head UP. God gives His hardest battles to His strongest Soldiers"
