Blessings

   I just wanted to drop a quick note since I haven't in almost 2 weeks. Cody and I have been doing pretty good. We just take one day at a time and keep ourselves busy. I want to say a special thank you to everyone that lit candles this past Monday night in memory of Tinlee and all the other sweet babies that left this life way to early. Cody and I lit our candle a little before 7pm so that I could get a picture online at 7pm for everyone to see. We set her picture and her candle and the candle for other babies up and then had a little quite moment just the 2 of us praying and remember our sweet baby that we miss so much. I took my picture and then sat there looking at the all the candles that were lit for Tinlee and other babies and all I could do was cry. I was so touched that so many people want to be a part of this journey. I know this is something I already know, but I think I was just reminded of how many people care for us and that we are not alone. I was so touched and my heart just melted at all the sweet comments. So, thank you thank you thank you for being apart of this.

    This week I am going to be doing something that I have been putting off for awhile because it just hurts to bad, but I am going to order Tinlee's headstone. I know I have made this statement before, but this is just something that a mother SHOULD NOT be doing. It breaks me inside, but I also know that I want her resting place to look nice and for people to know who is resting in there. I know this won't surprise anyone, but I want her headstone to be different and I want BLING on it:) I just hope that is possible when I talk to the company!! Anyway, say a special prayer for us this week as we do this, because it's hard on this mommy to have to do this.

    I have had a couple of sweet blessings this week I would like to share with you. First, I got on Etsy.com this week for the first time since losing Tinlee. I loved shopping for her on that website and bought lots of cute things on there for her and it just hurt to get back on there, but I wanted to order her Christmas stocking. I found a place that made really cute ones that look like ours and I emailed the lady and asked for a price for a medium one and told her that this was an extra special one because it was in memory of our sweet daughter that we lost this past summer. We exchanged a few emails and then I gave her my blog so that she could read our story. Within about 30 minutes she wrote me back a very sweet message about how touched she was and how she wanted to make Tinlee's stocking and 8 smaller stockings in memory of Tinlee at no cost!!! I was just overwhelmed with the generosity and sat there and cried some more!!! My second blessing this week was this.....I have been wanting to get a small cedar chest made to store some of Tinlee's special things in. I haven't really been able to find what I want that was affordable. I got the name of a guy from a friend and emailed him and asked him for a quote on a small cedar chest in memory of my little girl that I lost this summer.....The next day he wrote me back and asked me if I would allow him the honor to make a cedar chest for Tinlee at no cost!!! Once again, I sat there and cried because I was so touched!!! Believe it or not, we have had a good week even though after typing this it seems that all I did was cry:)
  
  Anyway, sorry for the long post, but everyone has been such a huge part of this journey with Cody and I and I wanted to share with you all some blessings that we have received out of this. Thank you for loving us and for being apart of this journey!!! We love all of you so much and would not be where we are today if it wasn't for your support!!

An Honor

Today after writing my blog I got a phone call from the manager at the funeral home were Tinlees service was held. She asked me if she could submit our story to the International Cemetery Cremation Funeral Associates (ICCFA) for the KIP Award (Keeping It Personal). It's an award for the most personalized funeral service across the nation. She had to write a summary of our story to the submit and I wanted to share with everyone what she wrote. It touched my heart so much and this is just one more thing that God is doing to show something me something positive out of our sad story. Here is what she wrote...I hope it touches you like it did me:

On the morning of July 4th, 2012, Diane Gardner, Manager at Griffin Leggett Forest Hills Funeral Home and Memorial Park, received a call at home from a local pastor.  His granddaughter, Tinlee, had passed away on the 3rd of July.  Diane went to the hospital to visit with the parents and extended family.  Our goal was to create a tribute fitting for a child, who while she never lived outside the womb, touched countless lives.

An invitation only visitation was held at the funeral home.  The family brought in a lot of the things from the Pinterest Pink room they had created for Tinlee.  Mom-Stacy and Dad-Cody spent time that evening just holding Tinlee and seeing how perfect she was from her head full of blonde hair to her tiny feet.  Diane took a lot of pictures so they could hold close in their memory Tinlee’s time on earth.

The day of the service was hot and sunny and PINK…everyone wore pink, the programs were pink and the flowers were pink.  We used a photo of Stacy and Cody holding Tinlee’s hand on the large screen. When Stacy arrived at the funeral home, she asked if she could holdTinlee throughout the service.  We made a few quick changes and when the family processed in thru the overflowing crowd, Stacy and Cody led the procession with Tinlee in Stacy’s arms wrapped in her pink blanket.  Tinlee’s grandfather spoke during the service and a special friend sang a song for Tinlee, all while Stacy rocked her child.

At the close of the service, Stacy and Cody led the procession out with Tinlee safely snuggled in her mother’s arms.  The family spent some quiet time together before we placed Tinlee in her tiny casket.  Stacy rode in a wheelchair with Cody pushing her, the casket on her lap, as we walked across the street to the cemetery.  Leaving Tinlee there, at the foot of the crossin Forest Hills Memorial Park was one of the hardest things her parents will ever have to do.  Not long after the service, Stacy and Cody gave Diane a “TinleeBracelet” in honor of our contribution to making her tribute a personalized moment that spoke to the guests who Tinlee was and what she continues to mean to the people she touched.

Emotional Roller Coaster

   It seems our lives are an emotional roller coaster right now. One day is good, the next is bad. Or we have several good days in a row and then we have a bad day. I can go one full day without crying and then the next day something triggers me and I am just a total mess. The other day, I woke up and was going about by business. Sadie had just gotten a haircut and she was laying there shaking. Well, all of Sadie's sweaters are in Tinlee's closet, soo....I had to go get them. As soon as I opened the door and took one glance at one of her little outfits, I just started crying!! I quickly grabbed Sadie's sweater and shut the door and left. I tried to keep what just happened off my mind, but as soon as I got in the shower I just crumbled on my knees crying. I was alone, so nobody could hear me and I just let everything in me out!!! Even though Cody and I are having much better days, it doesn't take much to trigger me and I just lose it!! I look forward to the day when certain things don't trigger me. I even think that some people don't realize that I am around them when they are talking and the conversation leads to a baby, or someone that just had a baby, or someone that just lost a baby.....and that triggers me. Usually in those situations I have to walk away and go be by myself for a little bit. If I were to tell them that it upset me then it would lead to me consoling them because they feel bad....so, I just keep it to myself and walk away!!

    So, some good things that we are doing to keep ourselves busy and our minds occupied....we have been traveling on the weekends!!! We have gone to Indiana, Mississippi, Missouri, and next month I am going to Washington DC to see my friend for a few days while Cody is in the deer woods. I know Cody is so excited about deer season, but this year I am just not looking forward to the weekends that I am by myself. I am doing my best to make as many plans as I can on those weekend. Hopefully it will go by fast if we stay busy :)

    I know I have talked about this on my Facebook, but this month is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I know this month is also many other "awareness" months, but this year it's a little different for me since I fall in the category of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month!! I honestly never even heard of this until I lost Tinlee and I also didn't realize how many people actually fell into this category. Since losing Tinlee, I have had so many people come to me and share with me their story of losing their baby either recently or up to 60 years ago. Many have told me that when they lost their baby years ago that you didn't talk about it. You had to deal with the loss yourself and go about your business. Well, I am not sure I would have made it back then since I am very open about EVERYTHING in my life!!! haha.... Many of those people that lost a baby years ago have told me that they are able to grieve over their loss through us and the loss of our baby, and they have thanked me for sharing my story with them and being so open about our journey. (I'm not sure I made sense of that sentence)....I have just been floored by the amount of people that have shared their experiences with me, and I thank you for that!! If my story can help someone else's hurt then that is just one more positive thing that I can take out of this. Anyway...Monday night at 7 pm I would like to ask you to light a candle at your home and keep it lit for one hour in loving memory of all the babies that have been loss during pregnancy at any point, and soon after birth!! It's called "A Wave of Light Across the World".....Cody and I will being doing this in memory of Tinlee and also in memory of all the ones that I have come across in my journey that have lost a baby.
Thank you in advance for doing this:)

                                     "I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. " I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future."

Jeremiah 29:11 (NCV)

Our Weekend Away

Cody and I had to go to Indiana this weekend for a wedding. It was actually a nice get-a-away for us. It was good being with friends and family and getting our minds off of things for awhile. Even though we were keeping our minds busy we still talked about Tinlee a lot. In fact every night before bed we would lay there and talk about her and talk about how anxious we are about our future and how we can't wail until the day we announce that we are pregnant and that Tinlee will be a big sister. And even more, how we can't wait for the day that we get to hold our breathing, healthy baby!!!

  This weekend I got asked for the first time if I had any children. I honestly froze for a second and didn't know what to say. I knew that person didn't want to hear my answer and I also knew that I couldn't deny that question either. I looked at him and said with a small smile " Yes, we have a sweet little girl in Heaven with Jesus". He looked at me for a moment and quickly said he was sorry. Im not sure either one of us new what to say after that. It was a little awkward!! I so wish those situations weren't like that. The only way to make it not awkward is to say "No, we dont have children", but I just can't do that!!! The thought of denying that we have Tinlee just makes me sick inside. Makes me feel like her life wasnt for a purpose. Her life was most definitely a purpose!!!

   Cody and I have been having better days. I get little emails or text messages everyday from different people that just say they are thinking about us and they are praying for us still. That still helps us more than you know. It's nice to know that we are still thought about. People even tell me that they go see Tinlee at the cemetery and that just makes my heart melt. I remember when I was pregnant with her and I looked forward to the days that people would come see her. I know that it is different but just to now that she gets visitors there warms my heart and just reminds me again that people love us and her and that she is still impacting people's lives more than I ever could of imagined.  Today in my devotional I read this scripture and I hope it touches you as much as it touched me!!!

       "We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated. We do not know what to do, but we do not give up the hope of living. We are persecuted, but God does not leave us. We hurt sometimes, but we a not destroyed. " 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NCV)

What I've Learned from Tinlee

    I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything, but we have been pretty busy lately (or at least trying to keep ourselves busy).  Last week was a pretty good week for us, there were a couple of "rough" days in there for us, but we always manage to make it through those bad days with prayer and support from each other. God always seems to give us a "good" day after our "bad" days......One thing that kept upsetting me last week is I know that people have to go on with their lives and that some people may have already forgotten about Tinlee, and that just crushes me inside!!! I want so badly for the entire world to be touched by Tinlee ( I know that is a little extreme..haha), but I want her life to continue touching other peoples lives for many many years....
   
    Wow!! The things that I have learned from my little girl. She has taught me so much in her short life. One of my biggest weaknesses is patience!!! That is one thing I have learned and am still learning through this entire adventure. Cody and I have had to be patient and wait for results from tests, wait for my body to heal, and still waiting to see what our future holds. We are also learning to trust God more. I was reminded over the past several weeks that I am not in control of what happens in my life...GOD is in control!!! HE is in control of our future and He knows what our future holds. One of the biggest things I have learned is LOVE!!! I never thought I could love something as much as I love Tinlee!! From the moment we found out I was pregnant, I loved that little baby inside of me!!! I have had several people tell me that we will "love" and "appreciate" our next baby even more!! At first my mind could not fathom loving another child even more, but now I get that statement!!! I know that I will appreciate our next child even more!! I won't take the little things for granted....Tinlee has shown me an even bigger picture of what LOVE really is and I thank her for that. She has made me look at the "brighter" and more "positive" side to things.
    
     Yesterday our entire church service was on HOPE....HOPE for our future!!!! I know the main point was that when we are in bad situations that we always have HOPE that we will see our Heavenly Father one day. As I was sitting there listening I started tearing up at the thought of seeing our Heavenly Father, but also at the thought of seeing my baby girl. I imagined for so long what she would look like when she was born and what she would look like when she was older....I know what she looked like when she was born, but I am going to have to continue waiting to see what she will look like when she is older....but one day I WILL get to see her and I long for that moment everyday!!!

    Thank you for reading my blogs!! I hope you continue to enjoy them and I hope they aren't too depressing to read:) Please please please continue to pray for Cody and I and our families. We need prayers everyday, because even though I know everyone else has gone on with their lives, we are still trying to figure out how to go on with ours without Tinlee. In everything that we do we think that Tinlee is suppose to be doing these things with us and she's not!!! The holidays are coming up quickly, and to be perfectly honest I am not looking forward to them this year!! I had pictured our holidays this year being so exciting and even more fun because we would have a little baby to play with. I love you all and thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers!!

 

"Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us. The Scriptures give us patience and encouragement so that we can have hope."

Romans 15: 4

Questions

         I have been raised in a Christian home my entire life and I know all the "right" Christian answers, but nothing makes you question things more than when you go through something tragic in your life. Before I get started on all the questions that I have asked myself and that other people have asked me, I want to say this......I know Tinlee is in Heaven, I know I will see her again one day, and I know that there is a reason for everything that happens!!!
      Ok.....so one thing I have wondered is what are babies in Heaven? I have actually been asked this many many times through this experience. It's a question that you don't think about much until something like this happens to you. I don't think that she is a baby in Heaven, but what is she? I know here on earth nobody knows the "real" answer to that. Some people think we are all around the same age, some think there are children and adults in Heaven. For my own peace of mind, I like to picture her has a small toddler girl with blonde ringlets running around and playing with the other children and sitting on Jesus's lap. I know in the Bible it says how much Jesus loves all the little children (yes, I know that is a song as well), but I like to think of her in that way.
       Another question that I have struggled with is why?? why babies?? why let me carry her 35 weeks and then take her away?? The only answer I can come up with is that there is a reason. I'm not sure I will ever know that reason on this side of eternity...but I wonder that quite often. Someone told me that Tinlee would not of touched as many people if she was not around for 35 weeks. Tinlee's life was for a purpose and as long as I am living I will always make sure that her life is remembered and honored so that she continues to touch lives for years to come. That's my comfort!!
    I have had to turn some of my selfish questions into "What am I suppose to learn from this tragedy?" I have to try and quit asking God "WHY?" and start asking Him "WHAT NOW?". If I keep asking why? (which believe me, I still struggle with this one) then I will keep going backwards.... I know we will find our happiness in life again. We are starting to see happier days, but we still hurt so bad at the same time. Cody and I tell each other that Tinlee would want us to be happy. She would not want us sad and depressed. We are not sad and depressing people and our Hope is finding that joy again in our lives, and I know that we will one day!! OUR STORY ISN'T OVER...WE WILL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING!!!!
   Well, I am off to the cemetary to put flowers on Tinlees resting place!!! I still have a hard time saying those words, but it's a part of my life now.........HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you".

Matthew 5:4 (MSG)

What Makes a Mother.....

Someone shared this with me today and as I read it I just sat here and cried because it was so touching and true..I wanted to share it with all of you:)

 

Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you?

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.

I asked "What makes a mother?"

and I know I heard Him say,

"A mother has a baby".

This we know is true.

"But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?"

"Yes you can!!" He replied with confidence in His voice.

"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice....Some I send for a lifetime,and others for the day and some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay".

"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby to be here."

He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear...

 "I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child's smile, with all the other children and hear them say....."

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday.

When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay, I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear,

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

 

"So you see my dear sweet one,  your children are ok.

Your babies are born in my home and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with me until your lessons through.

And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you.

 

So now you see what makes a mother...

It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done.

They'll be up here with me one day and know that you are the best one."

 

 

        I have to say that as I sit here typing this my eyes are blurry from crying. I know I will see Tinlee someday, but right now in this moment I hurt so bad because I want to see her and hold her. I know that is my selfish side, but it's just the truth. I do get comfort in knowing she is in a happy place and this little story reminded me of that. In my devotional this morning, this was the scripture that I read and I know there is HOPE in my future that I WILL see Tinlee again one day and HOPE that while I wait here on earth that my story in life is not over. I know there are happier days to come.....

 

 

"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father encourage you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say. God loved us, and through his grace he gave us a good HOPE and encouragement that continues forever"
2 Thessalonians 2: 16-17