'Twas 11 days before Christmas

This was a poem someone from worked sent me......

'Twas 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38

When 20 beautiful children stormed through Heavens gates. 

Their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air

They could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there. 

They were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say,

They remembered nothing of what happened earlier that day. 

"Where are we?" asked a little girl, as quite as a mouse. 

"This is Heaven." declared a small boy. 

" We're spending Christmas at Gods house."

When what to their wondering eyes did appear,

But Jesus, their Savior, the children gathered near. 

He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same. 

Then He opened His arms and He called them by name. 

And in that moment was joy, that only Heaven can bring,

Those children all flew into the arms of their King

And as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,

One small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face. 

And as if He could read all the questions she had,

He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."

Then He looked down on earth, the world far below

He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe. 

Then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,

"Let My power and prescience re-enter this land!"

"May this country be delivered from the hands of fools."

"I'm taking back MY nation. I'm taking back my schools!" 

Then He and the children stood up without a sound. 

"Come now my children, let me show you around."

Excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran,

All displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can. 

And I heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,

"In the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt Wolf, PA

This poem gave me chills...... Just the thought of that moment in Heaven makes me smile. 

Christmas in Heaven

I found this poem online and I wanted to share it with you..... I feel like this is exactly what Tinlee is telling me......

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees. 

Around the world below,

With tiny lights, like heaven's stars,

Reflecting on the snow. 

The sight is so spectacular,

Please wipe away that tear. 

For I'm spending Christmas 

With Jesus Christ this year. 

I hear the many Christmas songs,

That people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can't compare,

With the Christmas choir up here. 

For I have no words to tell you,

The joy their voices bring. 

For it is beyond description,

To hear an angel sing 

I cant tell you of the splendor,

Or the peace here in this place. 

Can you just imagine Christmas,

With our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your Spirit,

As I tell Him of your love;

So then pray for one another,

As you lift your eyes above. 

Please let your hearts be joyful,

And let your spirit sing. 

For I'm spending Christmas in Heavem,

And I'm walking with the King!

I know how much you miss me;

I see the pain inside your heart. 

But I'm not so far away,

We really aren't apart. 

So be happy for me, dear ones,

You know I hold you dear,

And be glad I'm spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year. 

I send you each a special gift

From my heavenly home above. 

I send you each a memory

Of my undying love. 

After all " love" is the gift,

More precious than pure gold. 

It was always most important

In the stories Jesus told. 

Please love and keep each other 

As my Father said to do,

For I can't count the blessings

Or the love He has for you. 

So have a Merry Christmas and

Wipe away that tear. 

Remember I'm spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year!

-Author Unknown

Helping Others

In an effort to honor Tinlee and bless others during the holiday season, Cody and I will be collecting items to donate to an organization in Conway called Life Choices. It is a pro-life organization that helps pregnant women in need and that also share the Gospel with everyone they help. Their website is www.lifechoicesinc.org if you would like more information about this organization. Here is a list of items they need to help these families:

• Onesies (newborn, 0-3 mths)
• Sleepers or Gowns (newborn or 0-3 mths)
• Socks (0-6 mths)
• Receiving blankets
• New bottles (4oz or 8 oz)
• Baby wash, lotion, shampoo, powder
• Disposable diapers (newborn or size 1)
• New pacifiers
• Bibs, socks
• Washcloths
• Small stuffed animals
• Box of baby wipes

They even accept gently used baby items (0-12 mths), maternity clothes, and larger baby items like strollers and swings, etc.  Also gift cards are an option and Cody and I can go purchase items to take.

We have received so much support through everyone that loves us that I wanted to extend this out to you instead of just our families. If you feel lead to give please feel free to get any item on the list and give to me, Cody, Credonna, or my mom by Jan. 1, 2012. If u live in Mississippi and want to help you can drop anything off at Pat Whitakers house. We will be seeing them over the New Year. Thank you in advance for all of your support. We pray that this will be a blessing to you as well as to the families it will help. 

Heavy Heart

    I'm so heavy hearted tonight and I just need to vent!!! I know God has a plan, but sometimes I just don't understand!! I want to say that I am deeply sorry for all those hurting right now, no matter what it may be sometimes it gets hard to trust Him when you are doubting at the same time. Im just opening my heart and being honest. My prayer everyday is that my doubts will turn into praises very soon. I'm starting to just accept that I'll never know why I lost Tinlee....however, I tell people all the time that I may not know what His plan was on this side of eternity, but I will do everything in my power to make sure I do things in honor of her to bless other peoples life so that I see the good that comes out of her little life. I will make sure that people never forget her and that she continues touching lives as long as I am living on this earth!!!! While I'm talking about this, I just have to say this.....I was told that I need to start "letting go and not do things in honor of her like she's living here on earth"!!!! I literally about blew a gasket! I think smoke was coming out of my ears! I told that person that if they didn't want to be a part of my life and anything I do for my daughter then they need to hit the road!!! Tinlee is a part of me and a part of who I am and ANYONE that can't accept that or accept the things I do can just unfriend me..... Whewww... Sorry if that sounds ugly but I just can't deal with people like that.. I feel like they are disrespting Tinlee. 
      So, to go back a couple of weeks, my trip to DC was good!! I enjoyed seeing my friend and spending time with her precious girls. They were such a blessing to be around. I told my friend that I struggled the most being around her youngest, a 3 year old!  I struggled in a good way because that's the size and age that I like to think that Tinlee is in Heaven. I would watch her play and invision Tinlee playing like that with the other children in Heaven!!
     Now for why I'm so heavy hearted tonight. The past week has been up and down for me and my family. I think we are all very ready to get thru the holidays. We know the reason and the true meaning of Christmas, but we also know that it's a special time to enjoy with family and friends and it's just different this year. We have all been trying to keep each others spirits up. It seems like every day it's a different one of us thats having a bad day. So please pray for us right now and the weeks to come. On top of trying to keep ourselves afloat I've heard of 4 other families that have lost babies in the past 2 weeks. One a miscarriage, one a stillborn that I don't know how many weeks, one at 33 weeks, and another after birth! I DON'T understand!! I don't know how to comfort these families because I'm still figuring it out myself. I want to go hug them and tell them it's not a fun journey and that it plain sucks!!! I want to tell them to rely on God, their family, each other, and their friends! I know that doesn't bring their baby back or take their pain away, but I feel that it would help. 
      Have families been losing babies like this all along? Or am I just more aware because its happened to me? Or is something wrong with the water? Ha....seriously though!! What is going on?? It seems like one bad thing after another. So many people are hurting!! My heart just breaks every time I hear of something so tragic and even though I know it's Gods plan I still look up and ask, "Why God?". 
I told someone today to tell this family that Tinlee was showing her baby girl around Heaven as we speak. If she was anything like me (bossy and voicetress) (and yes that is a word...the dictionary says it is "one who speaks what she is thinking in any given situation")... Haha.....totally me!!  Anyway, if she is anything like me then she is greeting all these little babies at the pearly gates and showing them the "ins" and "outs" of Heaven ;). Picturing that makes me proud and makes me smile!! I know my little thoughts don't bring everyone comfort but it brings me comfort. 
     This holiday season is so different in so many ways and it seems that so many people are broken this year. Please remember these families. I can't say their names, even though I'm sure they wouldn't mind, but I know they would appreciate prayer. We feel your prayers daily and we know thats what gets us out of bed and living life. Please please dont stop! Many families will be spending their holiday mornings reading the Christmas story in the Bible to their children, opening gifts, and enjoying family. Others will be visiting their loved ones at the cemetery and imagining what their Christmas would be like if things were different. Don't take your babies for granted no matter their age. Life could change in an instant. 
Sorry about the venting. I do know that God has a plan, it's just hard to understand and accept sometimes. Especially when you are being selfish and would rather have your loved one here rather than in Heaven. I know God will see me through this journey and I look forward to hearing Him say "Well done, my good child, well done. ". And then I can run into the arms of my sparkly princess ( yes I'm streaming tears down my face onto my iPad at that thought) and hug her for eternity. We are different because she was a part of our lives and we are different because we lost her and we hope that we can help others with how this has changed us. 

P.S. I hope you all enjoyed our Christmas Card. I know it was hard for some to read, but we just had to do something special this year without ignoring what has happened to us. 

"The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter"

Psalm 30:5 (The Message)

No Promises for Tomorrow

      I haven't written in awhile because believe it or not we have been super busy!! Thanksgiving was good. We got to spend it with family and that kept us busy. We did take a candle to both places to light in memory of Tinlee. The days leading up to Thanksgiving were worse than actual Thanksgiving day. There were so many tragic events that happened last week and it just made me sad because so many people are hurting. Everyone's hurt is so different but yet so bad at the same time. I think it was like 4 days in a row we got news of someone we knew that died in a tragic and unexpected way. Then one day I went by the cemetery to place something on Tinlees site and another baby girl was being buried. I sat there on the ground and kept asking God "why?" "why so much hurt and sadness?".  It brought back memories and hurt from the day we buried Tinlee. It's a pain that is so hard to describe to people unless you have lost a child. I prayed for that family and all the other families hurting and prayed that they would find comfort very soon.

      Cody's been busy hunting ( and hitting deer with my car;)), and I've been keeping myself busy with Tinlees Tree and making wreaths to sale. For those of you that have sent ornaments for Tinlee's Tree, we want to say thank you, thank you, thank you! What a blessing this has been to Cody and me. From the first day that we received our first ornament, we have been given at least one everyday. I think we have a little over 100 ornaments as of now! This has brought a little joy to our lives, a smile to our faces, and warmth to our hearts and has reminded us that so many people love us! I've been told that this has been the hardest ornament they've ever had to buy, the most precious ornament they've ever bought, the saddest and most sentimental ornament they've ever bought, and the only ornament they've ever received a blessing from buying. I just thought I would share some of the comments with you.

     I'm leaving in the morning flying to Washington DC to stay with my best friend for a few days. A much needed get away for me and some good girl time! Cody will be staying home and taking care of things at the house. I will miss him terribly but I am looking forward to seeing my friend.

     We sent our Christmas Cards out today!! I'm excited (as excited as I can be) this year about sending them out. They may not be what I hoped they would be this year, but under our circumstances I made them special. I'm sorry if it was sad, but I just couldn't ignore what happened to us this year. I will post a copy of it on Facebook in a few days.

    I want to say one last thing that has been on my heart. Through all the sad going on lately I'm reminded that we are never promised tomorrow! Live for today and HOPE for tomorrow. Love your family and never take them or life for granted. If your life is good and you have no sadness then thank God for that blessing, because you never know when that sadness and hurt could strike your family! This song had been something I've listened to a lot through my journey of losing Tinlee and I wanted to share with you the part that touches me the most. It's "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman.

"And on that day my strength is failing, the end draws near and my time has come, still my soul will sing your praise unending, ten thousand years and then forever more"

Blessings to all,
Stacy

Deer Widow

     Well, it's that time of year again. I'm an official deer widow :). In the past I have looked forward to this time of year because I could get some things done around the house and I would normally start putting my Christmas decorations up. This year, however, I have not looked forward to deer season. I know that Cody wanted to go and needed to go, but selfishly I wanted him to stay home with me because he's my rock right now. Cody left on Friday and that was my first night at home alone since losing Tinlee. And guess what?? I made it just fine!!!!! My parents and Cody checked on my several times that night, but I really was OK!!! It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I really just kept myself busy ALL weekend by making wreaths, redecorating some things in my house, and cleaning up some of Tinlee's things that we have received over the past several months.

    I did go to Holiday House one night with my friend and that was good for me to get out. I only broke down once!! I think every other booth at these Christmas shows have something to do with babies!!! I just ignored them and walked right past, even though that was VERY hard for me to do. I did get Tinlee's ornament that night from me for her tree. I had to order it and come back later to pick it up since it was personalized. When the lady showed me the ornament with her name on it, I just started crying!!! That poor lady asked me if everything was ok.....let me pause here and say that if ANYONE asks me why I'm crying, they are about to hear exactly why I'm crying...ha......poor lady had to hear about my sweet baby that I lost, and what the ornament was for!! I know she was speechless, but I just couldn't help it!! On another note, the ornament turned out very very cute.

     So, while I'm on the subject of Tinlee's ornament. I just want to say what a blessing everyone has been that has sent ornaments. I'm so touched at the response that we have gotten on everything that we have done to honor our baby girl. This is just another reminder to Cody and I that we are not alone...that people love us and are praying for us daily, and that God continues to bless us everyday with something. Tinlee's tree is the only tree that I am putting up this year. For those of you that know me, you know that is unusualy because I have at least 2 trees that I put up. This year, I just don't have the energy to put all my stuff up. So, I'm putting Tinlee's tree and our stockings up and that's all. I'm very excited to get her tree up and take pictures for all of you to see!!! This tree will go up every year in honor of Tinlee!!
 
    I also finished designing our Christmas Card for this year. I placed the order yesterday and I am very excited to get them sent out. Obviously, I can't send them to everyone, even though I wish I could. I will post the card on Facebook once I get them sent out, so that everyone can see them.

    Just a quick update on how we are all doing. We are doing really well! God has blessed us beyond measure through this tragic event in our lives. We still have sad moments and sad days, but they are getting further apart. I don't get in her closet much, but the other day I needed to get in her closet to get my hot glue gun out, and I just fell to me knees and broke down. It's harder than I can explain to look at all those baby things in her closet that I had dreamed of using on Tinlee. Cody came in the room and hugged me. We had our little moment and then we got up and went about the rest of our day. I'm just accepting that things will be like that probably forever. I know there will always be things that trigger me. Overall, we are doing good. Tinlee's Tree has brought some joy to us and some excitement, because it's fun to see what everyone has picked out.
 
   Please please please continue to remember us through the holidays. I know we are not the only people that will be hurting through the weeks ahead and we are praying for those families that we know will be struggling as well. I just try to remember what the holidays are really about!!

Since everything here today might well be gone tomorrow, do you see how essential it is to live a holy life? Daily expect the Day of God, eager for its arrival. The galaxies will burn up and the elements melt down that day-but we'll hardly notice. We'll be looking the other way, ready for the promised new heavens and the promised new earth, all landscaped with righteousness.

2 Peter 2:11-13 (MSC)

Life As We Know It.....

Life has been pretty busy for us lately. Just wanted to update everyone on some things going on in our lives lately. We got Tinlee's headstone ordered. I feel good about getting it ordered because her 'area' will start looking better. Of course I have to do things different, so I got 1 inch rhinestones cemented in each corner to add a little sparkle and bling to it. I think it's going to look very nice. I hope to have it in by Christmas time.

This past weekend Baptist Hospital did a memorial service for those that have lost a baby there. After the service they did a balloon release and we got to attach a note for our babies on the balloon. The service was nice but pretty emotional. I did good until they sang the song that was played at Tinlee's funeral and I thought I was going to have to get up and leave. I honestly just started thinking about something else because I thought I might would lose it if I thought about it too much. This is the 2nd balloon we have released for Tinlee, but the first one that I have attached a note to. I wonder where those balloons will land and who will read my note?? And bless them when they read it because it is pretty evident that the balloon was released by a mommy that lost a baby!!!

Cody and I also got our Christmas Card picture taken this past weekend. We did a few different things so that Tinlee could be included. I will keep what we did a surprise for now though!!! It was fun taking pictures but also a little bittersweet because we are missing something special in these pictures. I just couldn't stand the thought of completely leaving her out so I came up with a way to include her. I sure hope that everything works out as I have planned!!! Haha....

Yesterday was Halloween and I was so excited about Tinlee's first Halloween and dressing her up. I already had one costume that she would of worn and all day yesterday I just kept thinking about that sweet little outfit. I loved looking at everyone's kids dressed up but at the same time I was a little sad. As others were posting pictures of their kids I was posting pics of her 'resting place' that my mom had decorated. I don't ever want to have a jealous heart, but it's so hard to fight sometimes when you see other people doing something that you should be doing as well. I pray that God makes me strong and continues to get me thru those jealous moments. I honestly avoided going home until late last night just because I was trying to forget about what I 'wanted' to be doing. I started heading home about 9 last night. Cody was behind me and I was in the car by myself talking to my dad on the phone and he asked me how my day went. I couldn't even talk...all I could do was cry and cry and cry. I miss her so much and I try so hard to be strong but it still hurts. The pain isn't as bad as it was 4 months ago thank goodness, but the pain is still there. I guess maybe it's just the holidays or 'special' days that trigger me. I have to admit that after yesterday I am very ready to get thru the next 2 months and start a new year. The year 2012 has been one that I do not ever want to repeat. I obviously can't forget it because I had many enjoyable moments of bonding with Tinlee inside of me and I have learned a lot this year, but this has been the most painful year of my life.
I hope everyone has a blessed day!!!

"For He will order his angels to protect you wherever you go." Psalm 94:11 (NLT)