As I write this I can't help but think back to the events that were going on a year ago today!!! I know I was in shock and numb to the events of that day, but I remember thinking and even saying how are we going to go on without our baby?'.....'Are we ever going to be happy again?'......I'm not going to say its been easy because this last year has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through and I'm not going to say I've found complete happiness again... Because my 'happiness' has changed...but we have made it through. This past year has brought the important things in life in perspective and made me realize that worrying about 'petty' things is a waste of time. Cody and I have grown closer together and stronger in our faith. As much as I've tried to understand the 'Whys?', I've accepted I'll never know, but I've made it my personal mission in life to make sure that Tinlee's life served a purpose and that her name leaves a positive influence on others.
Tinlee has changed me. In some ways for the better and in some ways for the worse. I think that I will be a better mom because of what I went through with her.... Shes made me appreciate life and made me realize that I'll never take my children for granted. She's made me have to lean more on others and realize I can't do it all by myself......she's helped me become very open about my feelings and even strong enough to share our story on TV;)....In other ways the pain of losing her has made me put a wall of protection up around my heart because I don't want to hurt like that again...I seem to be constantly on edge about things and even get scared when I get around other babies because I don't want to cry or hurt for my baby....(however, this part is getting better thanks to understanding friends).
Not a single day goes by that I don't think of Tinlee or wonder what her life would be like today. We should be celebrating her 1st birthday today, not sending her balloons up to Heaven. I know Tinlee has impacted a lot of people and she will continue too. That makes me proud as her mom. Her little brother will know all about his big sister and how special she was to a lot of people;). I hope he is
proud of her like we are.
"Dear Tinlee,
Happy Birthday baby!! Mommy wishes she could be showering you with presents and cake today, but I know you are having a much bigger party in Heaven. I wish I could give you a big a hug and tell you how much I love you. You're going to have a baby brother in a few short months that I can't wait to tell all about you. Please know your daddy and I talk about you everyday and think about you every hour. I hope you're partying hard up there today ;).
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy"
"Grief leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."
