1 year journey of love, loss, and healing

        Wow!!! 1 year!!! I cannot believe that 1 year ago our lives changed forever. We have come so far in the past year and its thanks to our faith in God, our families, and our friends for loving us, praying for us, and being there for us!!! I truly do not know how people get through trials and heartache like this without that kind of support. 

        As I write this I can't help but think back to the events that were going on a year ago today!!! I know I was in shock and numb to the events of that day, but I remember thinking and even saying how are we going to go on without our baby?'.....'Are we ever going to be happy again?'......I'm not going to say its been easy because this last year has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through and I'm not going to say I've found complete happiness again... Because my 'happiness' has changed...but we have made it through. This past year has brought the important things in life in perspective and made me realize that worrying about 'petty' things is a waste of time. Cody and I have grown closer together and stronger in our faith. As much as I've tried to understand the 'Whys?', I've accepted I'll never know, but I've made it my personal mission in life to make sure that Tinlee's life served a purpose and that her name leaves a positive influence on others. 

       Tinlee has changed me. In some ways for the better and in some ways for the worse. I think that I will be a better mom because of what I went through with her.... Shes made me appreciate life and made me realize that I'll never take my children for granted. She's made me have to lean more on others and realize I can't do it all by myself......she's helped me become very open about my feelings and even strong enough to share our story on TV;)....In other ways the pain of losing her has made me put a wall of protection up around my heart because I don't want to hurt like that again...I seem to be constantly on edge about things and even get scared when I get around other babies because I don't want to cry or hurt for my baby....(however, this part is getting better thanks to understanding friends).                 

       Not a single day goes by that I don't think of Tinlee or wonder what her life would be like today. We should be celebrating her 1st birthday today, not sending her balloons up to Heaven. I know Tinlee has impacted a lot of people and she will continue too. That makes me proud as her mom. Her little brother will know all about his big sister and how special she was to a lot of people;). I hope he is 

proud of her like we are. 

                         

      "Dear Tinlee,

               Happy Birthday baby!! Mommy wishes she could be showering you with presents and cake today, but I know you are having a much bigger party in Heaven. I wish I could give you a big a hug and tell you how much I love you. You're going to have a baby brother in a few short months that I can't wait to tell all about you. Please know your daddy and I talk about you everyday and think about you every hour. I hope you're partying hard up there today ;). 

                                                  I love you to the moon and back,

                                                                    Mommy"

                  "Grief leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Pregnancy Journey 2nd Trimester

Hard to believe I'm already in my 2nd trimester. This pregnancy seems to be flying by... I just hope it stays that way! Physically I'm feeling pretty good. Still dealing with nausea and tiredness, but overall pretty good. Emotionally , this pregnancy has been different and emotional. I really am trying to stay positive, but its just so hard at times. I'm slowly getting more and more excited, but its an everyday struggle. I know my God is in control, but the fear of the unknown gets the best of me at times. Cody has been so good during this pregnancy and is so positive and encouraging. I'm very blessed to have him by my side. 

Next month will be 1 year since we lost Tinlee. This past year has gone by so fast!! We have grown so much and changed in many many ways!! My perspective on life and other things have changed greatly. I don't want to go into this much right now bc I want to blog about it next month. But please remember me and our families as we go through the next few weeks. Anxiety of this pregnancy plus coming up on Tinlees 1 year can be a little emotional. Thank you so much for all of the support, love, and prayers you've given to us and please continue!!!

Mothers Day

For some mothers, Mothers Day is a difficult day because either a mother has passed or our child has passed!! I miss my Tinlee everyday, but I get comfort in knowing that shes happy playing in Heaven!! I found this poem and wanted to share.

A real mom is made of more than what 

is done on Earth.

A real mom carried life, even if they

Never gave birth.

A real mom might swing her child or

Pull them in a cart.

A real mom might have only carried 

her child in her heart.

A real mom might celebrate birthdays

With presents, balloons & cake.

A real mom might decorate her child's 

Grave even when it's more than she

Can take.

A real mom is more than what is said 

On Mothers Day.

A real mom loves her child even when

They've gone away.

A real mom is always a mother,

Whether a child is alive or is at rest.

To your child, angel or not, as their

Mom you are the best.

by Leslie Matteson (4/28/11)

Our Little Blessing

          What a huge blessing Cody and I have to announce. WE ARE HAVING A BABY!! It's been 10 months since our sweet Tinlee has gone to be with Jesus. Most people know that as soon as were medically released we started trying to get pregnant again. We have known for a few weeks that we are pregnant. The first week or so I was over the moon excited about having another baby. Then the fear set in. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared!! I'm scared of losing another baby and I'm scared of feeling that pain again.  I do want to say at this point that Cody and I have full trust in God through this, but we are human and still scared. I've already had some people tell me to just not think of what happened with Tinlee. My comment to that is I don't ever want to forget what happened with Tinlee and how do you not think of it?? Some of my feelings have really surprised me, because I thought when we got pregnant that it would bring our joy completely back, but it's such a mixture of emotions and feelings. If you see me crying or looking sad, please don't think I'm not excited and happy about this sweet baby, because Im so happy and excited that I dont want anything to happen....but this pregnancy is just different and a little more stressful. Our goal during this pregnancy is to keep our excitement above our anxiety. 

         We heard the heartbeat for the first time last week and it was such a bittersweet moment. It brought back a lot of memories from Tinlee and a lot of emotions from everything combined. My doctor talked to us for a long time that morning and informed us that we will be watched a lot closer this time around. I will have a lot more tests and a lot more visits with the doctor, which we are very grateful about. He also informed us that this pregnancy will be stressful, but that it is completely normal after what we have been through. 

       I want to ask you to pray for us. We have had such an amazing support system over the past 10 months and I ask that you don't give up on us yet. Please pray for Cody and I and our entire families. Everyone is on edge with this pregnancy and we just want to all have positive thoughts. Pray that we have strength to get through this pregnancy and that everything goes smoothly and at the end we have a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat!!!! We pray that this time we get our Happy Ending!!!   

       I also want to say that I was dreading Mothers Day this year. It's still a very bittersweet day, because I miss my sweet Tinlee, but I'm excited about our new addition. Our new baby is due in December!!! Gods timing is always perfect......we get to announce our blessing on Mothers Day and we will have a baby in our arms on Christmas!! 

   

                     "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my                  

                mothers womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship 

                            is marvelous-how well I know it".    Psalm 139:13-14 (NLT)

      

Easter without my little Bunny

I haven't written in awhile now!! I've had alot of people email, text, or call to check up on us, so I thought it was time to write another post. Cody and I are doing pretty good, we are in the process of painting and doing a little redecorating to our house, so that is keeping our minds busy. I have many people ask me if we are trying to get pregnant again. So, here is the answer....YES!!! We have been reminded over the past several months that God is in control and everything happens in His time. Those of you that know me, know that I'm not the most patient person in the world;). So waiting is not easy for me. I know that our time and our happiness will come, but sometimes it's just so hard to wait. I want to take it in my own hands and start doing whatever is necessary to make everything happen RIGHT NOW!!! But that's just not how things work. The doctors keep telling us to be patient, so that is what we are trying to do;) Cody is much better at that than I am. I do struggle with questions like 'Why?'...and 'why haven't I gotten pregnant yet?'.....but I just don't know the answer. I think that Cody and I would be great parents and that we would raise a baby in a good strong Christian home....and I see families all the time that abuse their babies and yet they have 8 kids.....It just blows my mind!!!! I'm just venting some frustrations. Bottom line, I know God knows the desires of our hearts and that one day we will get a sweet blessing!!!!
Today I went shopping to get the rest of our Easter outfits. While I was in the store I walked past this mom pushing a little girl and trying to pick out her Easter dress. I literally thought I was going to lose it right there in the middle of the store. I was not expecting my reaction to be what it was. My stomach dropped and I suddenly remembered that I won't be picking out an Easter outfit for my baby, because she's not here for me to dress up. I cannot explain to you the pain and emptiness that slapped me in the face and gut at that moment. I guess I've just done my best to avoid those situations and those thoughts that when I walked up on that I just wasn't expecting to see what I saw. Uggghhhh....sometimes the pain and grief hits you when you least expect it. I dread living with that the rest of my life. Needless to say I quickly got what I needed and left.
Thanks again for everyone that keeps in touch with us and continues to pray for us!!! We have changed because of what we have lost, but we have become stronger because of what we have learned.

Life since Christmas

Well..... Life since Christmas has been busy. On our way back from our New Years trip to Kansas City we got a phone call that Codys grandpa passed away unexpectantly. As soon as we got back we were busy for about 5 days with funeral arrangements. It was a very sad time for Cody because it brought back so many emotions from losing Tinlee. It did give Cody peace in knowing that his grandpa was with his baby girl. Over the past 7 months Cody has been the one that has been strong for us.....when his grandpa passed I was the one that had to step up and be strong for him. I wasn't sure I had the strength to do that, but I did it and we made it through!!

I can't believe that is has almost been 7 months since Tinlee passed away. I feel that we have come so far in our grieving process. I have learned so many things about myself, Cody, and even others through this journey. I've gained many many friends through this journey and lost some friends due to them being uncomfortable around me. I've definitely learned to not sweat the small stuff and to not fret over petty things. We have received so many blessings through this process. I told my mom the other day that I know we have received blessings, but I'm very ready for the big blessing, and that's to get pregnant. I know it will happen in Gods time. I wish I could explain to those that do not know how I feel the desire inside of me to be pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy, deliver a healthy screaming baby, and be a mommy here on earth. Some may not like me being so vocal about my desires, but this blog is about my journey and this is part of the journey I'm on. Ive struggled with depression more the past 3 weeks than I have the past 7 months. I don't know if things are settling down more or what, but it's like an unconscious depression, if that makes any sense. One thing I know is that God has proven Himself to me multiple times lately and I know He will continue to. I was told recently that I was chosen. Chosen by God to go through this journey because He knew that others would be touched and that I could handle it  That melted my heart when I heard that. I've had people ask me just this week, "how do you do it?" "how are you so strong?". I look at them and tell them that every bit of my strength came from God. There is no way in this world that I could of done this on my own. A friend emailed me this week and reminded me of a song that made her think of me..... "He's all I need today. For whatever comes my way, He is faithful. He gives me strength today, for anything I have to face, He is able--to calm my fears and make my answers clear. He's all I need today!". I've had that little song in my head for a few days now. We may never know why things happen to us here on earth, but we do know that we have HOPE...... HOPE for happiness and many blessings to come.

The LORD will work out His plans for my life--for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. 

Psalm 138:8(NLT)

The Year 2012

   Every year at Christmas on my family's side we write a letter about our year. This year my letter was very difficult to write. I knew that I couldn't ignore how our year went because it was such a huge part of our lives. Soooo..... I will share a little bit of what I shared in that letter.

    The first 6 months of 2012 started off exciting and happy and the last 6 months ended with grieving and pain. The first 6 months started off with planning for a baby, decorating the nursery, and getting ready to welcome our little girl into the world. We were so excited about having a baby and starting the next chapter of our lives. Little did we know what the next chapter would actually be...... On July 2 our world changed when we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat and on July 3 our worse nightmare became even more true when I delivered her. Tinlee entered the world quietly and entered the gates of Heaven laughing and having the time of her life. On July 6 we laid our little girls "shell" to rest. Those were the hardest days of our lives.
   I remember while laying in the hospital bed that I was determined that this would not be the end of my life. I told Cody that I did not want this to have a negative effect on our lives. God blessed Tinlee with us for only a short while, but her life was for a purpose. She was our daughter, granddaughter, niece, great granddaughter, cousin, and friend. I wanted this to bring us closer, make us stronger, and to make sure her life had meaning. I had no earthly idea how much her little life would impact other people. We have been so touched and shocked at the same time with how much support we have received through this journey and how big of a response we have gotten on everything we have done to honor Tinlee. We have received almost 300 pictures of how people wrote Tinlees name, 60 candles lit in memory of Tinlee on National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, over 250 ornaments for Tinlees Tree, almost $5000 raised for Tinlees Top for the playground at church, and enough money donated to Children's Hospital that Tinlee will get a plaque with her name on it in the foyer of the hospital. There is also a way to tell when someone from other countries have read my blog, plus I've received emails from people that I don't know from other countries that have read our story. This is so comforting to us just knowing that our story is being spread all over the world. We pray that many lives are touched and changed by our journey.
  We have realized that we werent the only ones grieving Tinlee, but so many close to us grieved her as well. We are so thankful for everyone that has helped us cope, sat with us, babysat me (haha), cried with us, prayed for us, sent us gifts and cards, and just simple hugged us. 
   We hope and pray that the year 2013 is a fresh start that is filled with many blessings. Tinlee will never ever be forgotten and I will never quit talking or writing about her. Tinlee has changed my life, changed my view on things, and taught me about what's important. Thank you for allowing me to open up and share my journey with you. I hope we have happy news in the future to share. We wish everyone a Happy Happy Happy New Year!!!!!