Pregnancy Journey 2nd Trimester

Hard to believe I'm already in my 2nd trimester. This pregnancy seems to be flying by... I just hope it stays that way! Physically I'm feeling pretty good. Still dealing with nausea and tiredness, but overall pretty good. Emotionally , this pregnancy has been different and emotional. I really am trying to stay positive, but its just so hard at times. I'm slowly getting more and more excited, but its an everyday struggle. I know my God is in control, but the fear of the unknown gets the best of me at times. Cody has been so good during this pregnancy and is so positive and encouraging. I'm very blessed to have him by my side. 

Next month will be 1 year since we lost Tinlee. This past year has gone by so fast!! We have grown so much and changed in many many ways!! My perspective on life and other things have changed greatly. I don't want to go into this much right now bc I want to blog about it next month. But please remember me and our families as we go through the next few weeks. Anxiety of this pregnancy plus coming up on Tinlees 1 year can be a little emotional. Thank you so much for all of the support, love, and prayers you've given to us and please continue!!!

Mothers Day

For some mothers, Mothers Day is a difficult day because either a mother has passed or our child has passed!! I miss my Tinlee everyday, but I get comfort in knowing that shes happy playing in Heaven!! I found this poem and wanted to share.

A real mom is made of more than what 

is done on Earth.

A real mom carried life, even if they

Never gave birth.

A real mom might swing her child or

Pull them in a cart.

A real mom might have only carried 

her child in her heart.

A real mom might celebrate birthdays

With presents, balloons & cake.

A real mom might decorate her child's 

Grave even when it's more than she

Can take.

A real mom is more than what is said 

On Mothers Day.

A real mom loves her child even when

They've gone away.

A real mom is always a mother,

Whether a child is alive or is at rest.

To your child, angel or not, as their

Mom you are the best.

by Leslie Matteson (4/28/11)

Our Little Blessing

          What a huge blessing Cody and I have to announce. WE ARE HAVING A BABY!! It's been 10 months since our sweet Tinlee has gone to be with Jesus. Most people know that as soon as were medically released we started trying to get pregnant again. We have known for a few weeks that we are pregnant. The first week or so I was over the moon excited about having another baby. Then the fear set in. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared!! I'm scared of losing another baby and I'm scared of feeling that pain again.  I do want to say at this point that Cody and I have full trust in God through this, but we are human and still scared. I've already had some people tell me to just not think of what happened with Tinlee. My comment to that is I don't ever want to forget what happened with Tinlee and how do you not think of it?? Some of my feelings have really surprised me, because I thought when we got pregnant that it would bring our joy completely back, but it's such a mixture of emotions and feelings. If you see me crying or looking sad, please don't think I'm not excited and happy about this sweet baby, because Im so happy and excited that I dont want anything to happen....but this pregnancy is just different and a little more stressful. Our goal during this pregnancy is to keep our excitement above our anxiety. 

         We heard the heartbeat for the first time last week and it was such a bittersweet moment. It brought back a lot of memories from Tinlee and a lot of emotions from everything combined. My doctor talked to us for a long time that morning and informed us that we will be watched a lot closer this time around. I will have a lot more tests and a lot more visits with the doctor, which we are very grateful about. He also informed us that this pregnancy will be stressful, but that it is completely normal after what we have been through. 

       I want to ask you to pray for us. We have had such an amazing support system over the past 10 months and I ask that you don't give up on us yet. Please pray for Cody and I and our entire families. Everyone is on edge with this pregnancy and we just want to all have positive thoughts. Pray that we have strength to get through this pregnancy and that everything goes smoothly and at the end we have a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat!!!! We pray that this time we get our Happy Ending!!!   

       I also want to say that I was dreading Mothers Day this year. It's still a very bittersweet day, because I miss my sweet Tinlee, but I'm excited about our new addition. Our new baby is due in December!!! Gods timing is always perfect......we get to announce our blessing on Mothers Day and we will have a baby in our arms on Christmas!! 

   

                     "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my                  

                mothers womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship 

                            is marvelous-how well I know it".    Psalm 139:13-14 (NLT)

      

Easter without my little Bunny

I haven't written in awhile now!! I've had alot of people email, text, or call to check up on us, so I thought it was time to write another post. Cody and I are doing pretty good, we are in the process of painting and doing a little redecorating to our house, so that is keeping our minds busy. I have many people ask me if we are trying to get pregnant again. So, here is the answer....YES!!! We have been reminded over the past several months that God is in control and everything happens in His time. Those of you that know me, know that I'm not the most patient person in the world;). So waiting is not easy for me. I know that our time and our happiness will come, but sometimes it's just so hard to wait. I want to take it in my own hands and start doing whatever is necessary to make everything happen RIGHT NOW!!! But that's just not how things work. The doctors keep telling us to be patient, so that is what we are trying to do;) Cody is much better at that than I am. I do struggle with questions like 'Why?'...and 'why haven't I gotten pregnant yet?'.....but I just don't know the answer. I think that Cody and I would be great parents and that we would raise a baby in a good strong Christian home....and I see families all the time that abuse their babies and yet they have 8 kids.....It just blows my mind!!!! I'm just venting some frustrations. Bottom line, I know God knows the desires of our hearts and that one day we will get a sweet blessing!!!!
Today I went shopping to get the rest of our Easter outfits. While I was in the store I walked past this mom pushing a little girl and trying to pick out her Easter dress. I literally thought I was going to lose it right there in the middle of the store. I was not expecting my reaction to be what it was. My stomach dropped and I suddenly remembered that I won't be picking out an Easter outfit for my baby, because she's not here for me to dress up. I cannot explain to you the pain and emptiness that slapped me in the face and gut at that moment. I guess I've just done my best to avoid those situations and those thoughts that when I walked up on that I just wasn't expecting to see what I saw. Uggghhhh....sometimes the pain and grief hits you when you least expect it. I dread living with that the rest of my life. Needless to say I quickly got what I needed and left.
Thanks again for everyone that keeps in touch with us and continues to pray for us!!! We have changed because of what we have lost, but we have become stronger because of what we have learned.

Life since Christmas

Well..... Life since Christmas has been busy. On our way back from our New Years trip to Kansas City we got a phone call that Codys grandpa passed away unexpectantly. As soon as we got back we were busy for about 5 days with funeral arrangements. It was a very sad time for Cody because it brought back so many emotions from losing Tinlee. It did give Cody peace in knowing that his grandpa was with his baby girl. Over the past 7 months Cody has been the one that has been strong for us.....when his grandpa passed I was the one that had to step up and be strong for him. I wasn't sure I had the strength to do that, but I did it and we made it through!!

I can't believe that is has almost been 7 months since Tinlee passed away. I feel that we have come so far in our grieving process. I have learned so many things about myself, Cody, and even others through this journey. I've gained many many friends through this journey and lost some friends due to them being uncomfortable around me. I've definitely learned to not sweat the small stuff and to not fret over petty things. We have received so many blessings through this process. I told my mom the other day that I know we have received blessings, but I'm very ready for the big blessing, and that's to get pregnant. I know it will happen in Gods time. I wish I could explain to those that do not know how I feel the desire inside of me to be pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy, deliver a healthy screaming baby, and be a mommy here on earth. Some may not like me being so vocal about my desires, but this blog is about my journey and this is part of the journey I'm on. Ive struggled with depression more the past 3 weeks than I have the past 7 months. I don't know if things are settling down more or what, but it's like an unconscious depression, if that makes any sense. One thing I know is that God has proven Himself to me multiple times lately and I know He will continue to. I was told recently that I was chosen. Chosen by God to go through this journey because He knew that others would be touched and that I could handle it  That melted my heart when I heard that. I've had people ask me just this week, "how do you do it?" "how are you so strong?". I look at them and tell them that every bit of my strength came from God. There is no way in this world that I could of done this on my own. A friend emailed me this week and reminded me of a song that made her think of me..... "He's all I need today. For whatever comes my way, He is faithful. He gives me strength today, for anything I have to face, He is able--to calm my fears and make my answers clear. He's all I need today!". I've had that little song in my head for a few days now. We may never know why things happen to us here on earth, but we do know that we have HOPE...... HOPE for happiness and many blessings to come.

The LORD will work out His plans for my life--for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. 

Psalm 138:8(NLT)

The Year 2012

   Every year at Christmas on my family's side we write a letter about our year. This year my letter was very difficult to write. I knew that I couldn't ignore how our year went because it was such a huge part of our lives. Soooo..... I will share a little bit of what I shared in that letter.

    The first 6 months of 2012 started off exciting and happy and the last 6 months ended with grieving and pain. The first 6 months started off with planning for a baby, decorating the nursery, and getting ready to welcome our little girl into the world. We were so excited about having a baby and starting the next chapter of our lives. Little did we know what the next chapter would actually be...... On July 2 our world changed when we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat and on July 3 our worse nightmare became even more true when I delivered her. Tinlee entered the world quietly and entered the gates of Heaven laughing and having the time of her life. On July 6 we laid our little girls "shell" to rest. Those were the hardest days of our lives.
   I remember while laying in the hospital bed that I was determined that this would not be the end of my life. I told Cody that I did not want this to have a negative effect on our lives. God blessed Tinlee with us for only a short while, but her life was for a purpose. She was our daughter, granddaughter, niece, great granddaughter, cousin, and friend. I wanted this to bring us closer, make us stronger, and to make sure her life had meaning. I had no earthly idea how much her little life would impact other people. We have been so touched and shocked at the same time with how much support we have received through this journey and how big of a response we have gotten on everything we have done to honor Tinlee. We have received almost 300 pictures of how people wrote Tinlees name, 60 candles lit in memory of Tinlee on National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, over 250 ornaments for Tinlees Tree, almost $5000 raised for Tinlees Top for the playground at church, and enough money donated to Children's Hospital that Tinlee will get a plaque with her name on it in the foyer of the hospital. There is also a way to tell when someone from other countries have read my blog, plus I've received emails from people that I don't know from other countries that have read our story. This is so comforting to us just knowing that our story is being spread all over the world. We pray that many lives are touched and changed by our journey.
  We have realized that we werent the only ones grieving Tinlee, but so many close to us grieved her as well. We are so thankful for everyone that has helped us cope, sat with us, babysat me (haha), cried with us, prayed for us, sent us gifts and cards, and just simple hugged us. 
   We hope and pray that the year 2013 is a fresh start that is filled with many blessings. Tinlee will never ever be forgotten and I will never quit talking or writing about her. Tinlee has changed my life, changed my view on things, and taught me about what's important. Thank you for allowing me to open up and share my journey with you. I hope we have happy news in the future to share. We wish everyone a Happy Happy Happy New Year!!!!!

Emptiness During the Holidays

     Christmas for the Dreher family was busy for the most part. I've heard several times over the last several months that the holidays are the worse. So, I put in my head that I'm just going to keep moving forward and not dwell to much on what we were missing this year. WELL....... That didn't go quite as planned. I almost think I tried to hard not to think about it that all it did was upset me more.....I'm not sure what happened but from about 2 weeks before Christmas up until Christmas Day I was so emotional and down. I felt like I struggled with fighting depression more than ever.......I did not like the emptiness and darkness I was feeling inside. In one of my bible studies it talked about how God ministers to us the most thru suffering. That hit me hard!! It made me long for the day when the suffering stops and the pain goes away. The thing that gets me thru the struggles is hope....
    Cody and I kept busy in order to keep our mind on other things. Some days it worked and other days it didn't. Everyone has been so supportive of us through the holidays and we are so thankful for the prayers, the many many cards, email messages, and text messages. Little things like that help more than you know because it's just a reminder that people care and haven't forgotten about us. I know I wrote this on my Facebook but I got a message that said "Jesus came into this world as a baby to change THE world and Tinlee came as a baby and changed OUR world". That was touching to me to think about and so very true. Jesus came into the world so that He could die on a cross for our sins so that one day we could be saved and spend our eternal life in Heaven with Him. Tinlee came into the world to show me what love is, remind me that God is in control, and to show me the true meaning of hope. She has not only touched and changed my life, but she has touched and changed many lives all over the country.
   Christmas Eve and the couple of days before were very busy. Cody and I were running all over the place celebrating Christmas with families. Thanks to a friends idea, every place we went we took a candle to light in memory of her. I'm not sure everyone was comfortable with the candle, but it was something that brought us comfort and peace, so we did it anyway. Throughout the day though we had many laughs, a few quite moments with tears, and a lot of talk about the past year and our hopes for the New Year. Christmas Day was a little different.......I had the mindset to make it as normal as possible....well that went down the drain at 3am on Christmas morning!! For some reason I woke up early and laid in bed thinking about how things should be and what other families were doing that morning with their kids........(I try not to do that often because it's not healthy, but I just couldn't help it that day)......then I got to thinking about those poor families in CT that were waking up that morning without their sweet babies and all of the other families that I know that we're hurting because of lost babies and loved ones, and I realized that we weren't alone and that our situation could be much worse. I was sort of blah all day Christmas Day. Cody and I ended up going home just the 2 of us that day for a few hours because I just didn't want to be around people. I just needed a moment just to chill and get refocused. Later that day we went to my parents before the snow storm hit to hang out until the power went out. After that Cody and I went home..... Usually the snow always makes me smile and feel all warm and cozy inside, but this year it didn't. I literally walked in Tinlee's room, pulled her Christmas outfit out of the closet (which is a first because I never get in her closet), and sat in the chair and just cried......I haven't cried that hard in a long time..... I sat there and talked to God and asked Him for comfort and asked Him to hug my baby girl for me..... Then I remembered that it was still Jesus' birthday.....and that Tinlee was having a much better Christmas than any of us here on earth and that I needed to get my sad self up and be thankful that she is healthy and happy and having a good ole time playing on the playground in Heaven. Not to sound overly spiritual, but I did get a lot of comfort in knowing she was having a party in Heaven with Jesus that day and with all the other little children that she is with. 
    I told my family that I was doing pretty good in my grieving until the holidays hit and I feel like I just kind of got put on hold. I don't feel that I went backwards, I just feel like I stood still and didn't go anywhere. Like I just went thru the motions and floated thru the holidays. Needless to say we are very very ready for the New Year. I know our problems won't go away, but it will at least feel like a fresh start. 
Someone sent me this quote and I thought it was very sweet.....

"Babies lost in the womb-Were NEVER touched by fear, they were NEVER cold, NEVER hungry, NEVER alone & importantly ALWAYS knew love"