Ready for Our Happy Ending

    I haven't updated on our pregnancy in awhile and I've had a lot of people ask how things are going. Things are going good but about to get very busy!! We are seeing Dr. sellers every 2 weeks now. We saw him yesterday and baby Colts heartbeat was 155. Very good and strong heartbeat. He's measuring a little big and momma isn't gaining weight at all. GO FIGURE THAT!! Lol..... My dad just doesn't believe that at all!! Haha.....We go for a growth scan in 2 weeks to make sure he's measuring good and that my fluids are The right level. I'm also getting a 4D ultrasound on October 4. We are excited about that. Once I hit 32 weeks they will start doing stress tests on me and the baby to make sure baby is moving like he should be and that his heart is good and strong. My doctor doesn't think I will carry till 40 weeks... He's guessing somewhere between 37-38 weeks. He's trying to prep me and Cody for when I hit 34-35 weeks for our anxiety to kick in, because we lost Tinlee at 35 weeks. To be honest I'm trying not to think about it, but its always in the back of my head. 

   Emotionally, Cody and I are doing really good. We've gotten past some things we were dreading, like packing Tinlees things up and baby registering. I really really dreaded Registering. I wanted to go because I know baby Colt needs some things that I don't have, but I dreaded looking at all the baby stuff. But, it turned out to be a lot of fun and we ended up laughing a lot!! 

   Physically, I'm doing good. My back and hips bother me a lot, but I just try and go slow and take it easy as often as I can. This pregnancy is different because I seem to be carrying him straight out front and its pulling my back. I've finally started feeling him move!! I've been very glad about that. I was beginning to think I would never feel him move. After our 18 week ultrasound I was told that I had an anterior placenta, which is rare but not bad. It mainly meant that it put more cushion between me and the baby so I wouldn't feel him move until he got bigger. I started feeling him move around 25 weeks. And since then he hasn't stopped!! I love feeling his little kicks and feeling him roll around. Sometimes looks like a little alien in my belly doing cartwheels, but I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything. The biggest thing I want at this point is for him to be fully grown and get out of my body. I sometimes feel like his life wouldn't be as in danger as it is with him inside of me. I know many people will not understand that, but since losing a baby, I'm so nervous having a life grow inside of me. I know it's in God's hands and I trust Him, but that's my biggest fear. 

   Ok, to the good stuff!!! His NURSERY!! We hope to have Tinlees stuff completely cleaned out and put in attic by this weekend, so that my dad and Cody can paint next week. Then Cody can finish painting the furniture and I can decorate. I can't wait to see it all together. I'm doing a theme of antique trucks. We are painting the furniture black, one wall red/khaki stripes, one wall red, the others khaki, and my ceiling a light blue. I think it's going to look GREAT!!! 

   Please continue to keep us in your prayers. As we get closer and closer to the end of this pregnancy we get more and more anxious. We are so ready to hold this little guy in our arms and show him how much he is loved. It feels like we have been pregnant for 2 years;).… lol... And we are just so ready for our Happy Ending and to bring our healthy baby boy home. 

20 weeks and Counting!!!

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant with this little guy and finally things are starting to calm down and get more real. We have had so many people ask how we are doing? How do we feel that it's a boy? What are our plans with a little boy?? 

Well.....I'll start with the pregnancy update... We are doing much much better. Dr. Sellers warned me that this pregnancy would be stressful but I wasn't expecting to have this much anxiety. Ughhh.....sometimes it's just so exhausting!! Last Monday we had our high risk appointment along with our detailed Ultrasound and I have to say that since that appointment I have had a load lifted off of me. Everything went perfect with the appointment and the baby is very strong and healthy. 

Sooo.....having a BOY! Hmmm....I'm not gonna lie that when I first found out I had a very very hard time!! In my mind I am all ready for a little girl because I have everything I need. That's all I have thought about for 2 years, was having a little girl. Honestly, I think I knew deep down it was a boy, but I was still surprised. Mainly I was upset because I know that having a boy is going to make me face some things I've been dreading, like cleaning Tinlees room out and packing her things up. That's something that just makes my stomach hurt. We've known for about among that it was a boy and I'm in a much much better place. I'm excited and making plans for this little guy and can't wait to meet him and get to know him. I know now looking back that God has His hand on us and continues to prove that only He knows what's best for us!! 

We are in the process of picking out furniture and putting Tinlees items in the attic and getting out things we can reuse for a boy (which isn't much..haha). I hope to start painting within the next week and am very anxious about seeing the final outcome of the nursery. We haven't 100% decided on a name yet.... We are pretty close to deciding and as soon as we know I will announce it to everyone. 

I think that pretty much sums everything up. Please continue to pray for us. We still have along way to go and still need all the prayers and support we can get!! 

1 year journey of love, loss, and healing

        Wow!!! 1 year!!! I cannot believe that 1 year ago our lives changed forever. We have come so far in the past year and its thanks to our faith in God, our families, and our friends for loving us, praying for us, and being there for us!!! I truly do not know how people get through trials and heartache like this without that kind of support. 

        As I write this I can't help but think back to the events that were going on a year ago today!!! I know I was in shock and numb to the events of that day, but I remember thinking and even saying how are we going to go on without our baby?'.....'Are we ever going to be happy again?'......I'm not going to say its been easy because this last year has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through and I'm not going to say I've found complete happiness again... Because my 'happiness' has changed...but we have made it through. This past year has brought the important things in life in perspective and made me realize that worrying about 'petty' things is a waste of time. Cody and I have grown closer together and stronger in our faith. As much as I've tried to understand the 'Whys?', I've accepted I'll never know, but I've made it my personal mission in life to make sure that Tinlee's life served a purpose and that her name leaves a positive influence on others. 

       Tinlee has changed me. In some ways for the better and in some ways for the worse. I think that I will be a better mom because of what I went through with her.... Shes made me appreciate life and made me realize that I'll never take my children for granted. She's made me have to lean more on others and realize I can't do it all by myself......she's helped me become very open about my feelings and even strong enough to share our story on TV;)....In other ways the pain of losing her has made me put a wall of protection up around my heart because I don't want to hurt like that again...I seem to be constantly on edge about things and even get scared when I get around other babies because I don't want to cry or hurt for my baby....(however, this part is getting better thanks to understanding friends).                 

       Not a single day goes by that I don't think of Tinlee or wonder what her life would be like today. We should be celebrating her 1st birthday today, not sending her balloons up to Heaven. I know Tinlee has impacted a lot of people and she will continue too. That makes me proud as her mom. Her little brother will know all about his big sister and how special she was to a lot of people;). I hope he is 

proud of her like we are. 

                         

      "Dear Tinlee,

               Happy Birthday baby!! Mommy wishes she could be showering you with presents and cake today, but I know you are having a much bigger party in Heaven. I wish I could give you a big a hug and tell you how much I love you. You're going to have a baby brother in a few short months that I can't wait to tell all about you. Please know your daddy and I talk about you everyday and think about you every hour. I hope you're partying hard up there today ;). 

                                                  I love you to the moon and back,

                                                                    Mommy"

                  "Grief leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Pregnancy Journey 2nd Trimester

Hard to believe I'm already in my 2nd trimester. This pregnancy seems to be flying by... I just hope it stays that way! Physically I'm feeling pretty good. Still dealing with nausea and tiredness, but overall pretty good. Emotionally , this pregnancy has been different and emotional. I really am trying to stay positive, but its just so hard at times. I'm slowly getting more and more excited, but its an everyday struggle. I know my God is in control, but the fear of the unknown gets the best of me at times. Cody has been so good during this pregnancy and is so positive and encouraging. I'm very blessed to have him by my side. 

Next month will be 1 year since we lost Tinlee. This past year has gone by so fast!! We have grown so much and changed in many many ways!! My perspective on life and other things have changed greatly. I don't want to go into this much right now bc I want to blog about it next month. But please remember me and our families as we go through the next few weeks. Anxiety of this pregnancy plus coming up on Tinlees 1 year can be a little emotional. Thank you so much for all of the support, love, and prayers you've given to us and please continue!!!

Mothers Day

For some mothers, Mothers Day is a difficult day because either a mother has passed or our child has passed!! I miss my Tinlee everyday, but I get comfort in knowing that shes happy playing in Heaven!! I found this poem and wanted to share.

A real mom is made of more than what 

is done on Earth.

A real mom carried life, even if they

Never gave birth.

A real mom might swing her child or

Pull them in a cart.

A real mom might have only carried 

her child in her heart.

A real mom might celebrate birthdays

With presents, balloons & cake.

A real mom might decorate her child's 

Grave even when it's more than she

Can take.

A real mom is more than what is said 

On Mothers Day.

A real mom loves her child even when

They've gone away.

A real mom is always a mother,

Whether a child is alive or is at rest.

To your child, angel or not, as their

Mom you are the best.

by Leslie Matteson (4/28/11)

Our Little Blessing

          What a huge blessing Cody and I have to announce. WE ARE HAVING A BABY!! It's been 10 months since our sweet Tinlee has gone to be with Jesus. Most people know that as soon as were medically released we started trying to get pregnant again. We have known for a few weeks that we are pregnant. The first week or so I was over the moon excited about having another baby. Then the fear set in. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared!! I'm scared of losing another baby and I'm scared of feeling that pain again.  I do want to say at this point that Cody and I have full trust in God through this, but we are human and still scared. I've already had some people tell me to just not think of what happened with Tinlee. My comment to that is I don't ever want to forget what happened with Tinlee and how do you not think of it?? Some of my feelings have really surprised me, because I thought when we got pregnant that it would bring our joy completely back, but it's such a mixture of emotions and feelings. If you see me crying or looking sad, please don't think I'm not excited and happy about this sweet baby, because Im so happy and excited that I dont want anything to happen....but this pregnancy is just different and a little more stressful. Our goal during this pregnancy is to keep our excitement above our anxiety. 

         We heard the heartbeat for the first time last week and it was such a bittersweet moment. It brought back a lot of memories from Tinlee and a lot of emotions from everything combined. My doctor talked to us for a long time that morning and informed us that we will be watched a lot closer this time around. I will have a lot more tests and a lot more visits with the doctor, which we are very grateful about. He also informed us that this pregnancy will be stressful, but that it is completely normal after what we have been through. 

       I want to ask you to pray for us. We have had such an amazing support system over the past 10 months and I ask that you don't give up on us yet. Please pray for Cody and I and our entire families. Everyone is on edge with this pregnancy and we just want to all have positive thoughts. Pray that we have strength to get through this pregnancy and that everything goes smoothly and at the end we have a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat!!!! We pray that this time we get our Happy Ending!!!   

       I also want to say that I was dreading Mothers Day this year. It's still a very bittersweet day, because I miss my sweet Tinlee, but I'm excited about our new addition. Our new baby is due in December!!! Gods timing is always perfect......we get to announce our blessing on Mothers Day and we will have a baby in our arms on Christmas!! 

   

                     "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my                  

                mothers womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship 

                            is marvelous-how well I know it".    Psalm 139:13-14 (NLT)

      

Easter without my little Bunny

I haven't written in awhile now!! I've had alot of people email, text, or call to check up on us, so I thought it was time to write another post. Cody and I are doing pretty good, we are in the process of painting and doing a little redecorating to our house, so that is keeping our minds busy. I have many people ask me if we are trying to get pregnant again. So, here is the answer....YES!!! We have been reminded over the past several months that God is in control and everything happens in His time. Those of you that know me, know that I'm not the most patient person in the world;). So waiting is not easy for me. I know that our time and our happiness will come, but sometimes it's just so hard to wait. I want to take it in my own hands and start doing whatever is necessary to make everything happen RIGHT NOW!!! But that's just not how things work. The doctors keep telling us to be patient, so that is what we are trying to do;) Cody is much better at that than I am. I do struggle with questions like 'Why?'...and 'why haven't I gotten pregnant yet?'.....but I just don't know the answer. I think that Cody and I would be great parents and that we would raise a baby in a good strong Christian home....and I see families all the time that abuse their babies and yet they have 8 kids.....It just blows my mind!!!! I'm just venting some frustrations. Bottom line, I know God knows the desires of our hearts and that one day we will get a sweet blessing!!!!
Today I went shopping to get the rest of our Easter outfits. While I was in the store I walked past this mom pushing a little girl and trying to pick out her Easter dress. I literally thought I was going to lose it right there in the middle of the store. I was not expecting my reaction to be what it was. My stomach dropped and I suddenly remembered that I won't be picking out an Easter outfit for my baby, because she's not here for me to dress up. I cannot explain to you the pain and emptiness that slapped me in the face and gut at that moment. I guess I've just done my best to avoid those situations and those thoughts that when I walked up on that I just wasn't expecting to see what I saw. Uggghhhh....sometimes the pain and grief hits you when you least expect it. I dread living with that the rest of my life. Needless to say I quickly got what I needed and left.
Thanks again for everyone that keeps in touch with us and continues to pray for us!!! We have changed because of what we have lost, but we have become stronger because of what we have learned.